Protect

When Justice starts to complain about all his aches and pains, when he starts searching for sleep, I start to worry that he’s detoxing from something; that he’s self medicating. I become more anxious as he grows more desperate and agitated.

He retires to his room and I am left wondering, is he ok? Is he healing himself? Or is the noise in his head about to hold him captive all night long, and leave him exhausted by morning, with his mom forcing him to get up, get ready and get out the door for school?

I complain he doesn’t get a job so that he can drive and then I imagine, what if he did and then would I really want him to have access to a car when he’s struggling with his demons?

That’s not something I can take back, easily. 

Maybe God is still protecting us.

I am, once again, reminded that he is not normal. He may never be normal. I may never be ready for him to grow up. The risks just keep getting greater. I would rather have him, not normal, than to lose him forever.

Is this getting easier for him? Is he more in control? I know he has more control of his monsters, but is he controlling them? Or is he letting them roam, until they are out of control?

God, please continue to protect me from the unknown.

Please continue to work inside of him, to tame his demons. Empower him to take control. He is your son, and the spirit of Christ lives in him. Build his faith in you. Give him strength when he is weak. May his inner monsters shutter at your name.

Stay with us, both. Always. Protect and shield.

Amen.

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Day 18, Again

Dear Father,

Please help me to push him, when he needs to be pushed. Help me not to be afraid of how he will react when we butt heads. Help me to confront him, when he needs confronting.

Respect is such a fine line, help us find it.

With love,

Kim

Day 15, Again

Dear Father,

Things have become so relaxed now, I even forgot to talk to you yesterday about him. Not only relaxed, but playful. It’s times like these that I completely forget something could set my son off. This is the time when I give thanks for having this all be behind us.

And then I get upset with myself when everything explodes. But I do thank you Lord, for allowing me to see this side of my son. He’s so caring and respectful. He helps his brothers and he helps his sister. He even helps me! I don’t need to ask for him to do something, he just does. And when I do, he gets up and does it. It’s during this time that we build or repair our relationship.

I am grateful for him. Thank you for letting me be his mom.

Love,

Kim

Day 14, Again

Dear Father,

It is quiet, now. The winds have died down. We drift, waiting for the storm to come again.

We try to fix the broken pieces the last storm destroyed. We act as if the storm will not come back, but in my heart I know it will.

In my heart, I have to know it will. As soon as I forget, I am blindsided by the next.

I walk heavier around him. I am taking off my kid’s gloves. He seems to be more stable.

I can breath, again.

Lord, thank you for the calmness. Please sit with us through it.

Your daughter,

Kim

Day 13, Again

Dear Heavenly Father,

I cannot remember the last time I slept so soundly. I have been physically I’ll for weeks. I’ve been exhausted, not being able to shut my mind off. Constantly worrying about my son. Wondering if I’m doing everything I should, is there more?

And then, last night, I felt all of it was taken away from me. The last thing I remember, was texting my son, good night, I love you. I don’t remember falling asleep. I didn’t get up once to go to the bathroom. I don’t remember tossing and turning.

And then this morning, I woke to the softness of the light comforter but heavy sense of peace. Lord, I will trust you. Even if I don’t understand, I will trust you and let go of this fear that I have so strongly embraced, that it has been crushed and has now seeps into my pores.

I release it, knowing you have embraced my son so strongly that you seep into his soul. If I have to choose between the two, I chose you, every time.

Please continue to grow inside of us. Please help us both understand the transformation. Please help us understand each other.

I know that he is young, but please help him understand that I’m not doubting him, but myself. Help him understand that I am weak and I struggle too.

Thank you, for your rest. Thank you for your peace. Please hold your hand over me today as I try to push it off.

With all my love,

Kim