Day 9, Again

Dear Heavenly Father

Thank you for the calmness of the week. Please carry us through the unpredictable weekend. Please help him find some kind of normalcy and routine to get him through the summer.

A job would be great. But I know whenever I hope for something that a normal kid would do, it always backfires on me. You know what’s best for him. That’s what I pray for. Whatever is best.

Also that he doesn’t sabotage himself in the process. He’s good at that, too, but you already know that.

Patiently waiting,

Kim

Day 8, Again

Father,

It has been almost two week since my son’s last meltdown. He’s been able to go on with life as if nothing has happened. That’s usually the way it goes for him. But those who live with him, the memory and the trauma lasts longer.

I still walk on eggshells. I still ask him every morning and every night if he’s taken his supplements to reduce his anxiety. Every night I still lay in bed, wondering if my child is able to sleep this night. Every morning, I wake up wondering which son I will be walking up to.

This will go on for probably another week. Then I will start to forget what internal torment my son lives with and will let my guard down, only to be caught unprepared by the violent realization that he has stopped, or not taken all of his supplements, or worse, some unforeseen stressor has revealed itself and the anxiety is too much for him.

God, protect us, protect me from this quiet time. Each time the storm has settled, I pray that it never comes again. This time will be different. He has had his last meltdown. He is just a normal kid. But I’m my heart, I know it’s not true.

It’s not that I don’t have faith that you can heal him. I just don’t think you will, and I’m ok with that, as long as I forever see you through each and every storm. And I don’t mind the weeks of walking on eggshells, as long as I see he is doing better.

But God, I ask that you protect the rest of my family. Don’t let this scare them, like it scares me. Don’t let them live, wondering when the next meltdown will be. Don’t let them keep themselves busy at other houses, trying to forget what goes on in ours. Lord, please protect them from a fractured relationship with someone they love.

If this is something we all need to live through, please help us love through it, as well. Make us better people, more compassionate, more understanding, more capable of loving others.

Show us your beauty, as you comfort our pain.

With love,

Kim

Day 7, Again

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for being everywhere tonight. You are in the little things, as well as the big things. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your love.

It brings me such comfort, knowing and seeing how you spent the day with my son. He’s learning, he’s growing and he’s experiencing you.

Lord, I praise you. Please help me to remember your faithfulness when we enter our next storm. May you always be present. May you always be seen.

Thank you for your grace and mercy, tonight.

Kim

Day 6, Again

Dear God,

This summer feels long, yet it has just begun. I am already growing tired. Please give me strength.

Please help us sift through the bs. God, help us to be real, and help me to have the strength to see him. I don’t want him to pretend, because he doesn’t think I can handle it. Oh, but Lord, I really really can’t handle it without your help.

I just don’t want us wasting time, for the sake of me. Bring us healing. Bring him healing.

I pray that you continue to talk to him. Tomorrow with be tough. He will need you. Please be there.

With love,

Kim

 

Day 5, Again

Dear Lord,

Thank you for a day of rest. Thank you for a day we could walk with heavier feet and not be afraid of the egg shells cracking.

It’s so much easier when you have our days planned for us.

We don’t mind if you bring us something daily. It helps us see you. And it’s fine because the people who do life with us, everyday, seldom know of the impact they have on us. Lord, please let this be a summer of purifying. Take the bad influences from our lives, and not only bring us friends of good influence, but bring them often.

Let my son see you, through them. And bring them so that I might learn how to better help my son.

Love you with all my heart,

Kim

Day 4, Again

Father of my son,

Lord, thank you loving my son, even more than I love him. Sometimes this is the only comfort I have.

I love hearing him tell me he knows you work in his life. I love hearing that he has cried out to you.

As I sit and listen to him, I pray to you that you would give me the strength to accept what he is telling me. I tell you I’m afraid to hear what he has to say.  And then, from nowhere, I hear you in my son’s voice. He tells me he has asked you to help him, and he knows that is what is happening.

Lord, I’ve been praying this same prayer for a long time. I have asked others to help me pray for the same thing. But hearing him tell me he is praying too, eases my soul.

You are a Father of promises. I call on them often. I hold them deep within me. I often scream them when I feel alone. Please let them give my son the comfort they give me.

Father, God, my prayer tonight is that he can hear you in me, as I have heard you in him. Please continue to give me the strength to know my son and help me be brave enough to sit in his darkness, with him. I don’t want him to be alone.

Your scared daughter,

Kim

Day 3, Again

You know what, Lord?

I really don’t think I have the strength to endure every life lesson my children have to learn. How can I possibly? This is going to kill me, every.single.time. How in heck do you do it?

I am so sorry for breaking your heart as I screw up, everyday.

Please teach me how you do it. Or send me someone who does it well, so I might learn.

Your daughter,

Kim

Day 2, Again

Father,

Thank you for being there with me as I try to guide my son. Thank you for your words. Thank you for your peace. Thank you for pushing me to be the mom you want me to be. And thank you for intervening, when I screw it up.

Lord, I know I need you everyday. We need you everyday. Please let us see and feel you, everyday. It feels like a scab that has been pulled off and we’re both raw, and hurting. Afraid to ask tough questions and afraid to give answers, I’m sure.

It is unbelievable how incredibly powerful, Trust, is and yet, how incredibly frail. Please help us get there again, even though trust wasn’t even broken.

He was most truthful, and honest and trusting, than he has ever been. Yet, that was only because he was confessing how untrustworthy he really was.

I see his struggle, God. I can’t even imagine his pain. Please bring him mercy.

I can’t express how much I love this child, how much pain I feel when he hurts. Please Lord, mercy. Give us mercy.

With all the love I have,

Kim

Day 1, Again

Day 1

Dear Heavenly Father.

Here I am again, asking for your guidance and protection. You have remained faithful to me. I, therefore will hold onto my faith with both hands and not let go, no matter how heavy I feel.

Lord, I ask that you protect me from being influenced by my sinful nature. May you be SO BIG, that everywhere I look, I see you; preventing me from taking my eyes off you.

Please help me to respond to the decisions of my son, and not react. Please continue to give me hope and peace if there is none.

I’m turning my son over to you. I know how much you love him. Please hold until him with both hands. Speak to him.

Your daughter,

Kim

My Sole Purpose

My son came to me, recently. “Hey Mom, remember when…?”

He proceeded to tell me story after story of the things he has done and I had no knowledge of. Some scared me. Some scared the hell out of me. My son is 15.

He’s not old enough to have a secret life.

My heart broke. The life I thought we had all lived, was still living, was a lie.

It has been almost two years now of being properly treated for the Pyrrole Disorder.

I don’t know if he was feeling guilty. I don’t know why he felt this was the time to reveal to me a hidden life I knew nothing about.

Maybe he wanted to share with me who he really is, or maybe who he really was. Maybe he finally felt free from his disorder that held him captive. Maybe he was shedding his skin to be transformed into the man he was designed to be. Maybe…I just don’t know.

Whatever his reason, I hope it served him well.

But I’ll tell you what his revelation did for me.

At one time, I was a single mom of four children, who never planned on having any children.

When his older brother was born, I had only practiced changing diapers on a friend’s child. I did not know how to care for a baby. I didn’t know their needs or wants. But I did the best I could.

Everyday, I did the best I could.

And I prayed.

God help me with this baby.

By the time I was pregnant with my third, I was doing this motherhood thing on my own. Thinking I had a clue about babies, but now I was doing it all on my own, and they’re getting older. I don’t know anything about raising kids. 

I was the oldest of two. I tried to keep my nose clean. My parents never had to spank me. A look would pierce my heart. Having to face any authority made me cry. I felt guilty for everything and often said sorry for things I didn’t do.

Never had I ever felt confident with kids, but by the time my fourth child came, and again I was alone, I knew I could do it. That I would be fine.

If I took my kids to church, I taught them right from wrong, if I tried to play defense to the bad influences out in the world… and I prayed; then I would be blessed with good kids. I would raise these kids how God has led me to raise these kids, and they will become the men and woman, he intends them to be. He will equip me. He will qualify me. He will lead me.

And as I sat and listened to story after story of what my son was telling, of the life I never knew of, of the boy I thought I knew, but even before the age of 15, was wearing a mask to hide who he really was, I felt smaller and smaller.

Hear me on this, everything I previously thought was true.

If I took my kids to church, I taught them right from wrong, if I tried to play defense to the bad influences out in the world… and I prayed; then I would be blessed with good kids. I would raise these kids how God has led me to raise these kids, and they will become the men and woman, he intends them to be. He will equip me. He will qualify me. He will lead me. But it’s not because of me, but because of HIM.

My heart cried out to Jesus, “Thank you, Jesus, for protecting my son.” At that moment a new reality hit me and my soul hit the floor.

All the books I had read about parenting, all the friends I sought advice from, all the workshops I had attended…they had all given me this false belief that I was in some sort of control. That, in the end, who my children eventually turn out to be, had in part, had something to do with my influence on them.

But let me be clear. My son should or could be dead or at the very least, impaired. But he’s not, and it’s not because of me.

In that moment of revelation, I learned the single, most effective and beneficial thing I had ever done for him, or any of my children, was that I prayed.

Dear Heavenly Father, protect my kids. Watch over my kids. Guide my kids. Help my kids. And various other requests I had made for my kids.

It was in that moment I realized I have absolutely no control of the world or the people in it. Including the children I have poured so much into.

That at the end of the day, when everything is said and done, regardless of what I have taught him, shown him, modeled to him; when my child is faced with a life altering, life threatening event, it is Jesus who has his back. It is Jesus who has his eye on him.

It is Jesus who knows him.

My heart breaks at learning I didn’t know my son. But it heals again, when I realize that the one who is everywhere and knows everything, answers my prayers; even when I don’t know it, and even when I don’t understand what I’m praying for.

I don’t know anymore if my sole purpose to raise these kids in a way, so that they will become the men and woman, God intends them to be.

I think now, my sole purpose was and is, just to pray for them.

God, you know the evil of this world. You know a darker side than I do. How silly of me to think I, someone who never has smoked pot, did any drugs, never cheated on a test, nor snuck out of my home, didn’t lift something from a store, or ever received an F in a class, could possibly understand or know how to raise one child, much less six of them in this place you never intended us to live in.

Lord, even though I am just now coming to understand the magnitude of your authority, I thank you for never changing, always being there; even if I don’t know it, understand it, or believe it.

I lay my children at your feet and ask that you watch over them. And if my only job here on earth is to pray for them without ceasing, then Lord, please continue to give me the strength to keep raising them up to you, not for you.

My prayer is no longer a hope that you will find favor in them, but the knowledge of truth that you already do.