Day 14, Again

Dear Father,

It is quiet, now. The winds have died down. We drift, waiting for the storm to come again.

We try to fix the broken pieces the last storm destroyed. We act as if the storm will not come back, but in my heart I know it will.

In my heart, I have to know it will. As soon as I forget, I am blindsided by the next.

I walk heavier around him. I am taking off my kid’s gloves. He seems to be more stable.

I can breath, again.

Lord, thank you for the calmness. Please sit with us through it.

Your daughter,

Kim

Day 13, Again

Dear Heavenly Father,

I cannot remember the last time I slept so soundly. I have been physically I’ll for weeks. I’ve been exhausted, not being able to shut my mind off. Constantly worrying about my son. Wondering if I’m doing everything I should, is there more?

And then, last night, I felt all of it was taken away from me. The last thing I remember, was texting my son, good night, I love you. I don’t remember falling asleep. I didn’t get up once to go to the bathroom. I don’t remember tossing and turning.

And then this morning, I woke to the softness of the light comforter but heavy sense of peace. Lord, I will trust you. Even if I don’t understand, I will trust you and let go of this fear that I have so strongly embraced, that it has been crushed and has now seeps into my pores.

I release it, knowing you have embraced my son so strongly that you seep into his soul. If I have to choose between the two, I chose you, every time.

Please continue to grow inside of us. Please help us both understand the transformation. Please help us understand each other.

I know that he is young, but please help him understand that I’m not doubting him, but myself. Help him understand that I am weak and I struggle too.

Thank you, for your rest. Thank you for your peace. Please hold your hand over me today as I try to push it off.

With all my love,

Kim

Day 12, Again

God,

I feel like you’re doing things in me. Preparing me for things I don’t necessarily want to do. AUGH! I don’t like it!

I want there to be another way! I don’t want to go down this path. This way seems scary. I’ve not gone this way before. Nobody wants to go this way. Nobody wants to deal with this.

But I can’t let him deal with this alone. And I don’t know how to help him. He’s asking for help, although I know this is not what he’s expecting. He’s expecting you to step in and do all the work so he doesn’t have to. I’ve known you long enough to know you don’t work that way.

I just can’t keep living like this. Wondering what he’s doing behind closed doors, in the middle of the night, when I’m not home, when he’s not home. Always wondering what’s going on inside of him.

I’ve asked you for help. Often your help hurts. Lord, prepare us both for what needs to be done.

I LOVE MY SON! I want to do what is right by him. I need to be able to make these tough decisions for him. He’s trusting me to do that. This totally sucks!!!

I want to just bury my head in a hole. I want to pretend nothing is happening. I just want him to be normal!!! Why does this always have to be hard??? There is no rest.

And then I think, there is no rest for what is going on inside of him either.

Help us find your peace. Peace that only you can provide. Peace that only you can provide when we trust in you. Peace that only you can provide when we trust and become obedient to you.

God, but it feels like you’re ripping my heart out. It feels like I’m turning my back on him. It feels horrible. God, please continue to work in me. I’m not the mom I need to be, yet. I need you to not give up on me. I need you to not turn your face from me. I need help trusting you!

Help me!

Kim

Day 11, Again

Dear Heavenly Father,

I can’t be in his head, but you can. You know his thoughts. You know his struggles. Meet him there. I pray that he feels you always.

Call out to him. Let him hear you. Get in his face and mind. Remind him, he is not alone.

Lord, I’m trusting that you will do, whatever you need to do to get his attention. In the meantime, ease my fears. Calm my worries. Reassure me I’m doing everything I need to do.

If I need to do more, please give me the strength to act as you would have me. I desire to be obedient, please give me the courage to do so.

Kim

Day 9, Again

Dear Heavenly Father

Thank you for the calmness of the week. Please carry us through the unpredictable weekend. Please help him find some kind of normalcy and routine to get him through the summer.

A job would be great. But I know whenever I hope for something that a normal kid would do, it always backfires on me. You know what’s best for him. That’s what I pray for. Whatever is best.

Also that he doesn’t sabotage himself in the process. He’s good at that, too, but you already know that.

Patiently waiting,

Kim

Day 8, Again

Father,

It has been almost two week since my son’s last meltdown. He’s been able to go on with life as if nothing has happened. That’s usually the way it goes for him. But those who live with him, the memory and the trauma lasts longer.

I still walk on eggshells. I still ask him every morning and every night if he’s taken his supplements to reduce his anxiety. Every night I still lay in bed, wondering if my child is able to sleep this night. Every morning, I wake up wondering which son I will be walking up to.

This will go on for probably another week. Then I will start to forget what internal torment my son lives with and will let my guard down, only to be caught unprepared by the violent realization that he has stopped, or not taken all of his supplements, or worse, some unforeseen stressor has revealed itself and the anxiety is too much for him.

God, protect us, protect me from this quiet time. Each time the storm has settled, I pray that it never comes again. This time will be different. He has had his last meltdown. He is just a normal kid. But I’m my heart, I know it’s not true.

It’s not that I don’t have faith that you can heal him. I just don’t think you will, and I’m ok with that, as long as I forever see you through each and every storm. And I don’t mind the weeks of walking on eggshells, as long as I see he is doing better.

But God, I ask that you protect the rest of my family. Don’t let this scare them, like it scares me. Don’t let them live, wondering when the next meltdown will be. Don’t let them keep themselves busy at other houses, trying to forget what goes on in ours. Lord, please protect them from a fractured relationship with someone they love.

If this is something we all need to live through, please help us love through it, as well. Make us better people, more compassionate, more understanding, more capable of loving others.

Show us your beauty, as you comfort our pain.

With love,

Kim