Dear Heavenly Father,
Not a day goes by that we don’t think or talk about him. We don’t know if he realizes how much of a hole this family has without him. We are not complete. We look forward to a day when we can be together again.
Until that day, Lord, please work within him. Help him get this figured out. Please help him distinguish what is true within all the lies that has boggled his mind. Help him separate all that out.
We ask that you place a shield around him to protect him from what is not from you. That he might be guarded away from influences that could take him further away from us while he’s in this vulnerable state.
But ultimately we know you know what is best for him. So we pray your teachings will pierce this stronghold he has placed within himself. If something is to get through, let it be you.
We love him.
Please walk with our son. Teach him the path he must go to break free from what holds him back from being the young man you designed him to be.
Protect his heart as you do it. May it not turn cold or hard. Help him feel love from those who want to love him.
We love him.
Lord, please telling me these people in need, and on the street, are your angels in disguise and are not really suffering. I just don’t think my heart could handle if you told me anything different.
For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’ – Matthew 25:35-40
If they are not, please reassure me you see them and you are providing for their needs. Instruct me to move on your behalf. What is my part in their plan you have for them? I have no money, but what I have is yours. I can’t believe you would give me your eyes to see them, if you didn’t also equip me to show them your love.
Use me, Lord! Send me! I am suffering too not knowing what to do. I am your servant, Lord. I am theirs.
For your glory,
Please help me to push him, when he needs to be pushed. Help me not to be afraid of how he will react when we butt heads. Help me to confront him, when he needs confronting.
Respect is such a fine line, help us find it.
I’m feeling scared. He’s been quiet. All day. I don’t know what he’s hearing in his head. I don’t know the incentive behind his seclusion.
I have to trust in you, Lord. Keep him safe. And make me available. Prepare my heart for what I need to do.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for making life normal again. Thank you for letting us rest in the valley.
Things have become so relaxed now, I even forgot to talk to you yesterday about him. Not only relaxed, but playful. It’s times like these that I completely forget something could set my son off. This is the time when I give thanks for having this all be behind us.
And then I get upset with myself when everything explodes. But I do thank you Lord, for allowing me to see this side of my son. He’s so caring and respectful. He helps his brothers and he helps his sister. He even helps me! I don’t need to ask for him to do something, he just does. And when I do, he gets up and does it. It’s during this time that we build or repair our relationship.
I am grateful for him. Thank you for letting me be his mom.
It is quiet, now. The winds have died down. We drift, waiting for the storm to come again.
We try to fix the broken pieces the last storm destroyed. We act as if the storm will not come back, but in my heart I know it will.
In my heart, I have to know it will. As soon as I forget, I am blindsided by the next.
I walk heavier around him. I am taking off my kid’s gloves. He seems to be more stable.
I can breath, again.
Lord, thank you for the calmness. Please sit with us through it.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I cannot remember the last time I slept so soundly. I have been physically ill for weeks. I’ve been exhausted, not being able to shut my mind off. Constantly worrying about my son. Wondering if I’m doing everything I should, is there more?
And then, last night, I felt all of it was taken away from me. The last thing I remember, was texting my son, good night, I love you. I don’t remember falling asleep. I didn’t get up once to go to the bathroom. I don’t remember tossing and turning.
And then this morning, I woke to the softness of the light comforter but heavy sense of peace. Lord, I will trust you. Even if I don’t understand, I will trust you and let go of this fear that I have so strongly embraced, that it has been crushed and has now seeps into my pores.
I release it, knowing you have embraced my son so strongly that you seep into his soul. If I have to choose between the two, I chose you, every time.
Please continue to grow inside of us. Please help us both understand the transformation. Please help us understand each other.
I know that he is young, but please help him understand that I’m not doubting him, but myself. Help him understand that I am weak and I struggle too.
Thank you, for your rest. Thank you for your peace. Please hold your hand over me today as I try to push it off.
With all my love,
I feel like you’re doing things in me. Preparing me for things I don’t necessarily want to do. AUGH! I don’t like it!
I want there to be another way! I don’t want to go down this path. This way seems scary. I’ve not gone this way before. Nobody wants to go this way. Nobody wants to deal with this.
But I can’t let him deal with this alone. And I don’t know how to help him. He’s asking for help, although I know this is not what he’s expecting. He’s expecting you to step in and do all the work so he doesn’t have to. I’ve known you long enough to know you don’t work that way.
I just can’t keep living like this. Wondering what he’s doing behind closed doors, in the middle of the night, when I’m not home, when he’s not home. Always wondering what’s going on inside of him.
I’ve asked you for help. Often your help hurts. Lord, prepare us both for what needs to be done.
I LOVE MY SON! I want to do what is right by him. I need to be able to make these tough decisions for him. He’s trusting me to do that. This totally sucks!!!
I want to just bury my head in a hole. I want to pretend nothing is happening. I just want him to be normal!!! Why does this always have to be hard??? There is no rest.
And then I think, there is no rest for what is going on inside of him either.
Help us find your peace. Peace that only you can provide. Peace that only you can provide when we trust in you. Peace that only you can provide when we trust and become obedient to you.
God, but it feels like you’re ripping my heart out. It feels like I’m turning my back on him. It feels horrible. God, please continue to work in me. I’m not the mom I need to be, yet. I need you to not give up on me. I need you to not turn your face from me. I need help trusting you!