Tag: fight

This Thorn

I hate talking about the thorn in my side. It’s so embarrassing. I’m sure nobody cares and certainly nobody wants to hear about it.

But as I write, if I still have your attention, try to imagine my thorn as your own thorn, because honestly, we all have one.

You know that thing that brings us to our knees. That thing we struggle with everyday. That thing that leaves us crying out to God, “Take this from me!” And yet, we feel falls on deaf ears.

Mine happens to be my weight.

I have struggled with my body image all my life. I say body image because I always thought I was fat even when I wasn’t.

I few years ago I dropped 60lbs. More than I ever have in my whole life at one time. My clothes got a lot smaller, I took up less room I noticed on my chair, and then there was everyone telling me how great I looked.

Really? When I stood in front of my bathroom mirror every morning as I was about to get into the shower, I didn’t see a difference.

I watched the number on the scale drop slowly every week. It took me a year and a half. Certainly wasn’t over night, that’s for sure.

But I felt nothing. And the mirror told me nothing.

As soon as I hit the number I arbitrarily chose I started to gain the weight back. It was easy, because again, I didn’t see any difference except what was on the scale.

So I let it go. Pound by pound until, guess what? I’m right back to where I started. More some, even.

IT’S INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING!

It’s frustrating because I’ve done this before. This always happens. And now I have come across information that explains it and it all just seems so hopeless.

So much so that I’m ashamed to tell you this…

But I had given up.

I stopped caring. I stopped fighting. I started enjoying. I started binging. I started to get worse.

GOD, WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DO I STILL STRUGGLE WITH THIS? WHY WON’T YOU TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME?

And then, this morning I got smacked. I got God smacked.

I have a friend who is living with cancer. I have another who is living with PTSD. My step mom is laying in a hospital bed after receiving a pacemaker, just yesterday.

Are they allowed to give up?

Is it ok for them to stop fighting?

No, it’s not.

Then it’s not ok for me either.

So it leads me back to where I started. Even farther.

But I have to start, again. I have to start fighting, again. I have to start caring. I have to start leaning more on God, again.

Because it’s the thorn that brings me to my knees. It’s what I struggle with, everyday. It’s what makes me cry out to God.

Because if it didn’t, why would I ever?

God may never have any desire to take this from me. But he will continue to walk with me through it. Carrying me at times even.

Like now.

I know that he is here. So I know it’s a good place to be. It’s my journey. It’s my thorn.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

I Was Not Prepared

There is a full fledged war raging against our children. Between drugs and pornography, I was not prepared for the fight.

When my kids were little, my job was to teach them what was right and what was wrong. My influence was unchallenged.

However, as they grow, I’m finding I’m not only still teaching them what is right and what is wrong, but I’m also in somewhat of a tug-of-war with something that is pulling them away from what is right.

I don’t know if you would call it influences or forces or just evil, but I’m finding it is much stronger than me. Or should I say, it is a crafty opponent that cannot be arrogantly dismissed as not a threat to my children’s future and wellbeing.

I’m no longer fighting with the forces that are inside my house, but I’m finding there are forces outside my house that are not only trying to get in, but are trying pulling my kids out.

And they’re not good forces. They’re not safe. They are tantalizing my kids with promising fantasies. Lying to them. Manipulating them. Taking advantage of their youth and maturity.

And scaring the living crap out of their mother!

If there is an immunity to them or it, I’m not aware of it. My kids were raised in a Christian home. Well, half Christian. And maybe that has something to do with the struggle now. I don’t know.

But my kids were taught well; they were trained in the truth, but are still finding it hard to battle these outside forces. Do they even recognize the battle???

This world is big, ugly, and scary. How do we even stand a chance?

I so don’t even have an answer for you. The only thing I know is I put my trust in God. He has never let me down. Not to say I haven’t been disappointed, but my survival rate thus far has been 100%.

I know I am not promised an easy life because of Christ. In fact, if anything I should expect a more difficult one.

You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. – Matthew 10:22.

But I still live with hope because I am assured,

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. – 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

My kids are going to face bumps, scrapes and scars from life and this world. I hate that, but so does Jesus.

So my only advice I leave you with is this, trust your children with the Lord, never stop praying for them and be aware the war for them is real.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33