Day 9, Again

Dear Heavenly Father

Thank you for the calmness of the week. Please carry us through the unpredictable weekend. Please help him find some kind of normalcy and routine to get him through the summer.

A job would be great. But I know whenever I hope for something that a normal kid would do, it always backfires on me. You know what’s best for him. That’s what I pray for. Whatever is best.

Also that he doesn’t sabotage himself in the process. He’s good at that, too, but you already know that.

Patiently waiting,

Kim

Day 8, Again

Father,

It has been almost two week since my son’s last meltdown. He’s been able to go on with life as if nothing has happened. That’s usually the way it goes for him. But those who live with him, the memory and the trauma lasts longer.

I still walk on eggshells. I still ask him every morning and every night if he’s taken his supplements to reduce his anxiety. Every night I still lay in bed, wondering if my child is able to sleep this night. Every morning, I wake up wondering which son I will be walking up to.

This will go on for probably another week. Then I will start to forget what internal torment my son lives with and will let my guard down, only to be caught unprepared by the violent realization that he has stopped, or not taken all of his supplements, or worse, some unforeseen stressor has revealed itself and the anxiety is too much for him.

God, protect us, protect me from this quiet time. Each time the storm has settled, I pray that it never comes again. This time will be different. He has had his last meltdown. He is just a normal kid. But I’m my heart, I know it’s not true.

It’s not that I don’t have faith that you can heal him. I just don’t think you will, and I’m ok with that, as long as I forever see you through each and every storm. And I don’t mind the weeks of walking on eggshells, as long as I see he is doing better.

But God, I ask that you protect the rest of my family. Don’t let this scare them, like it scares me. Don’t let them live, wondering when the next meltdown will be. Don’t let them keep themselves busy at other houses, trying to forget what goes on in ours. Lord, please protect them from a fractured relationship with someone they love.

If this is something we all need to live through, please help us love through it, as well. Make us better people, more compassionate, more understanding, more capable of loving others.

Show us your beauty, as you comfort our pain.

With love,

Kim

Day 7, Again

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for being everywhere tonight. You are in the little things, as well as the big things. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your love.

It brings me such comfort, knowing and seeing how you spent the day with my son. He’s learning, he’s growing and he’s experiencing you.

Lord, I praise you. Please help me to remember your faithfulness when we enter our next storm. May you always be present. May you always be seen.

Thank you for your grace and mercy, tonight.

Kim

Day 6, Again

Dear God,

This summer feels long, yet it has just begun. I am already growing tired. Please give me strength.

Please help us sift through the bs. God, help us to be real, and help me to have the strength to see him. I don’t want him to pretend, because he doesn’t think I can handle it. Oh, but Lord, I really really can’t handle it without your help.

I just don’t want us wasting time, for the sake of me. Bring us healing. Bring him healing.

I pray that you continue to talk to him. Tomorrow with be tough. He will need you. Please be there.

With love,

Kim

 

Day 5, Again

Dear Lord,

Thank you for a day of rest. Thank you for a day we could walk with heavier feet and not be afraid of the egg shells cracking.

It’s so much easier when you have our days planned for us.

We don’t mind if you bring us something daily. It helps us see you. And it’s fine because the people who do life with us, everyday, seldom know of the impact they have on us. Lord, please let this be a summer of purifying. Take the bad influences from our lives, and not only bring us friends of good influence, but bring them often.

Let my son see you, through them. And bring them so that I might learn how to better help my son.

Love you with all my heart,

Kim

Day 4, Again

Father of my son,

Lord, thank you loving my son, even more than I love him. Sometimes this is the only comfort I have.

I love hearing him tell me he knows you work in his life. I love hearing that he has cried out to you.

As I sit and listen to him, I pray to you that you would give me the strength to accept what he is telling me. I tell you I’m afraid to hear what he has to say. ¬†And then, from nowhere, I hear you in my son’s voice. He tells me he has asked you to help him, and he knows that is what is happening.

Lord, I’ve been praying this same prayer for a long time. I have asked others to help me pray for the same thing. But hearing him tell me he is praying too, eases my soul.

You are a Father of promises. I call on them often. I hold them deep within me. I often scream them when I feel alone. Please let them give my son the comfort they give me.

Father, God, my prayer tonight is that he can hear you in me, as I have heard you in him. Please continue to give me the strength to know my son and help me be brave enough to sit in his darkness, with him. I don’t want him to be alone.

Your scared daughter,

Kim

Day 3, Again

You know what, Lord?

I really don’t think I have the strength to endure every life lesson my children have to learn. How can I possibly? This is going to kill me, every.single.time. How in heck do you do it?

I am so sorry for breaking your heart as I screw up, everyday.

Please teach me how you do it. Or send me someone who does it well, so I might learn.

Your daughter,

Kim

Day 2, Again

Father,

Thank you for being there with me as I try to guide my son. Thank you for your words. Thank you for your peace. Thank you for pushing me to be the mom you want me to be. And thank you for intervening, when I screw it up.

Lord, I know I need you everyday. We need you everyday. Please let us see and feel you, everyday. It feels like a scab that has been pulled off and we’re both raw, and hurting. Afraid to ask tough questions and afraid to give answers, I’m sure.

It is unbelievable how incredibly powerful, Trust, is and yet, how incredibly frail. Please help us get there again, even though trust wasn’t even broken.

He was most truthful, and honest and trusting, than he has ever been. Yet, that was only because he was confessing how untrustworthy he really was.

I see his struggle, God. I can’t even imagine his pain. Please bring him mercy.

I can’t express how much I love this child, how much pain I feel when he hurts. Please Lord, mercy. Give us mercy.

With all the love I have,

Kim

My Doll

I made this doll and I just love her! I was attracted to her because she’s not shaped like all the dolls we think as pretty. She has big hips and a big tummy and big thighs. Her top half is less than perky and her skin is not white and creamy; void of any blemishes or stretch marks.

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She looks real. She looks like me.

And I think of God who created me and I share in his joy of a creation.

Good job God! She looks great!
And when I try to feel how God feels about his creation of me, like how I feel about my creation of this doll… Something changes.

I don’t think he’s lying. I think he’s sincere when he tells me I’m perfect and he loves me, because I think my doll is perfect and she makes me smile Everytime I look at her.

I made that! Isn’t she pretty? Isn’t she wonderful? Isn’t she unique? I just love her!

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Learning to Listen to Who I Am

For the greater part of 46 years, I’ve not listened to what my body was trying to tell me.

Actually, who am I trying to kid. What I did was more than neglect, it was abuse.

Not only did I ignore my body, I told it what I wanted it to do and how. I reminded it constantly how disappointed I was with it. And I pushed it beyond what it could possibly do.

I had my first of four babies, when I was 27.

From the moment of conception, my body has never been the same. The first signs of pregnancy to me, were tender breast tissue. Oh my gosh, I was the last of my girlfriend’s to have babies, and NO ONE told me about this!

Before I became pregnant I never used to sweat. Since then, I have not stopped.

Some things never went back to how it was before I became pregnant. Even when I tried my hardest to make it so, it never did.

It couldn’t. Not only was I not that person anymore; that wasn’t my body anymore.

It doesn’t have to be a tragedy. I love being a mom. I would never trade me in for the person I was before if it meant giving up my children.

But instead of constantly grieving for that body. I need to start accepting and enjoying the one I have now, more.

This is my new reality and I need to start living that way…

until it changes again.