In My Weakness

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Five days ago, I received a call from my friend. She informs me, Butterfly’s biological father wants her to call him.

Cue a mother’s tailspin.

Even now, I’m struggling with what words to say first. So many emotions. I should probably start with the back story.

I believe I’ve shared that Butterfly is not Mike’s biological daughter. She also doesn’t share the same father as Tunes, Justice, or Fun, either.

In fact, her entire existence started in a very dark time in my life. I’ve written about it here and here.

I was living with a man who terrorized me. And I became pregnant.

It certainly didn’t start that way.

I was living alone with three little boys and going through a divorce. Let’s pretend for a minute that these were three normal little boys, which alone is a handful, and exhausting. I had left my cheating and emotionally abusive husband over a year earlier, and even the judge was like, “Why has it taken so long for this divorce to happen? Good grief.”

In walks this man…

He was charming. And funny. Liked kids. Made me laugh. Made me feel special.

But in the end, he was really a drug addict, womanizer, alcoholic, thief, hustling monster who would taunt me every day. He was always trying to make me mad. He would do something or say something to get arise out of me. I was somehow a challenge he accepted to make me lose my temper. Just how much can she handle before she loses her mind. I would start to get frustrated, and he would laugh at me, “Ooh wee! Look at her. She’s getting feisty!” But I would never let him push me too far. Until the day he did.

I had told him once again to leave. I was going to call the police and he took my phone. I picked up a stereo he had connected in our backyard, that he probably stole, and threw it on the ground, busting it into a million pieces. He had finally won, and he couldn’t be happier. He threatened to call the police on me. He told me they would come and get me for domestic violence because I broke something in anger. Didn’t matter that I didn’t throw it at him. Didn’t matter that I hadn’t touched him.

At this time, I was already pregnant. I was sleeping in our living room on the sofa. I tried to stay on the side of the house the kids’ bedrooms were on. Even though I had asked him to leave, he wouldn’t. I would wake up in the morning with him wrapping his arms around me and whisper good morning. I would push him off in disgust. This would excite him. He loved seeing me angry, defenseless, and hopeless. He would laugh.

I somehow got him to leave. It was by God’s grace, a restraining order, and the Goodyear police department I was finally free. God had broken through and rescued me.

Now this man wants to talk to my daughter. He has only seen her maybe three times as an infant. I have spent sixteen years living in fear of him suddenly reappearing and pulling her into his chaos.

I’m remembering the manipulation that trapped me. The powerlessness I felt. The way he would change my words around and make me believe I did something wrong. The guilt…the shame…the despair…

I spin.

I turn back into the person who was terrified of him. Who was hopeless and helpless. Who was broken, who was weak. I’m crying. I hand the phone to my husband, and he’s like, what is going on?

He tells me…

Kim, what are you afraid of? Don’t you remember who you are? You are not that person anymore. He doesn’t have that power over you. Remember, you’re God’s favorite.

And the next day I wake up asking him, “Would it be ok if I agreed to meet him?”

I’m sure he was like, “What the hell?” I know my friend who I asked to arrange the meeting was.

During the night I did remember who I was. And I know he doesn’t have any power over me anymore. I remember I am God’s favorite. 

Butterfly has always been curious about her bio dad.

So, today he has agreed to meet with us.

So many emotions I’m feeling. I can’t wait for this to be over.

But I’m kind of excited for him to see the young lady that will sit across from him.

She is strong. She is determined. She is not easily persuaded. She thinks for herself. She will never, ever, find herself stuck with a man like him. She has told me, “Mom, you have been training me for this day my whole life. I am not afraid. You don’t need to be either.”

So again, I am reminded, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

God must be very close, because today I feel very strong.

Crown of Glory

So after a rough morning of wondering if I was really ready to continue letting my natural hair color grow in, a new friend encouraged me by stating; we need to change the thinking of people who believe grey hair is for the old, and we can’t do that unless we start changing how we are thinking too.

I never realized how emotional this was going to be! I started coloring my hair at 21 because of the remarks I would get. It is unbelievable what strangers will say to people they don’t know. So I let others shame me into hiding who I was.

I thought I was past that. Apparently, I’m not. But I am older now, no…I am wiser.

I hide myself from no one. I strive to live an authentic life, a transparent one, which often means, a vulnerable one; but also a free one. It is incredibly freeing to see myself as a grown woman for the first time.

I am no longer a child. I no longer need to think as a child. I have been given a crown of Glory (Proverbs 16:31), and I will wear it for as long as God will let me.


Day 15, Again

Dear Father,

Things have become so relaxed now, I even forgot to talk to you yesterday about him. Not only relaxed, but playful. It’s times like these that I completely forget something could set my son off. This is the time when I give thanks for having this all be behind us.

And then I get upset with myself when everything explodes. But I do thank you Lord, for allowing me to see this side of my son. He’s so caring and respectful. He helps his brothers and he helps his sister. He even helps me! I don’t need to ask for him to do something, he just does. And when I do, he gets up and does it. It’s during this time that we build or repair our relationship.

I am grateful for him. Thank you for letting me be his mom.



Day 14, Again

Dear Father,

It is quiet, now. The winds have died down. We drift, waiting for the storm to come again.

We try to fix the broken pieces the last storm destroyed. We act as if the storm will not come back, but in my heart I know it will.

In my heart, I have to know it will. As soon as I forget, I am blindsided by the next.

I walk heavier around him. I am taking off my kid’s gloves. He seems to be more stable.

I can breath, again.

Lord, thank you for the calmness. Please sit with us through it.

Your daughter,


Day 13, Again

Dear Heavenly Father,

I cannot remember the last time I slept so soundly. I have been physically ill for weeks. I’ve been exhausted, not being able to shut my mind off. Constantly worrying about my son. Wondering if I’m doing everything I should, is there more?

And then, last night, I felt all of it was taken away from me. The last thing I remember, was texting my son, good night, I love you. I don’t remember falling asleep. I didn’t get up once to go to the bathroom. I don’t remember tossing and turning.

And then this morning, I woke to the softness of the light comforter but heavy sense of peace. Lord, I will trust you. Even if I don’t understand, I will trust you and let go of this fear that I have so strongly embraced, that it has been crushed and has now seeps into my pores.

I release it, knowing you have embraced my son so strongly that you seep into his soul. If I have to choose between the two, I chose you, every time.

Please continue to grow inside of us. Please help us both understand the transformation. Please help us understand each other.

I know that he is young, but please help him understand that I’m not doubting him, but myself. Help him understand that I am weak and I struggle too.

Thank you, for your rest. Thank you for your peace. Please hold your hand over me today as I try to push it off.

With all my love,


Day 12, Again


I feel like you’re doing things in me. Preparing me for things I don’t necessarily want to do. AUGH! I don’t like it!

I want there to be another way! I don’t want to go down this path. This way seems scary. I’ve not gone this way before. Nobody wants to go this way. Nobody wants to deal with this.

But I can’t let him deal with this alone. And I don’t know how to help him. He’s asking for help, although I know this is not what he’s expecting. He’s expecting you to step in and do all the work so he doesn’t have to. I’ve known you long enough to know you don’t work that way.

I just can’t keep living like this. Wondering what he’s doing behind closed doors, in the middle of the night, when I’m not home, when he’s not home. Always wondering what’s going on inside of him.

I’ve asked you for help. Often your help hurts. Lord, prepare us both for what needs to be done.

I LOVE MY SON! I want to do what is right by him. I need to be able to make these tough decisions for him. He’s trusting me to do that. This totally sucks!!!

I want to just bury my head in a hole. I want to pretend nothing is happening. I just want him to be normal!!! Why does this always have to be hard??? There is no rest.

And then I think, there is no rest for what is going on inside of him either.

Help us find your peace. Peace that only you can provide. Peace that only you can provide when we trust in you. Peace that only you can provide when we trust and become obedient to you.

God, but it feels like you’re ripping my heart out. It feels like I’m turning my back on him. It feels horrible. God, please continue to work in me. I’m not the mom I need to be, yet. I need you to not give up on me. I need you to not turn your face from me. I need help trusting you!

Help me!


Day 11, Again

Dear Heavenly Father,

I can’t be in his head, but you can. You know his thoughts. You know his struggles. Meet him there. I pray that he feels you always.

Call out to him. Let him hear you. Get in his face and mind. Remind him, he is not alone.

Lord, I’m trusting that you will do, whatever you need to do to get his attention. In the meantime, ease my fears. Calm my worries. Reassure me I’m doing everything I need to do.

If I need to do more, please give me the strength to act as you would have me. I desire to be obedient, please give me the courage to do so.