My Healthy Living Bullet Journal

I’ve started a Bullet Journal to help me start my Healthy Living journey.

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True, it does take some time, but I LOVE how I get to create logs that apply to what I want and need. Once upon a time, I used to be very creative! My brain just works that way.

Besides, it’s going to take time and preparation, no matter what I do. One thing I used to do that I hated so much and was SOOOO time consuming was logging all my food, and logging all the food that was in my food.

So I’m going to have to commit time to living healthy anyway, it’s got to be fun, or I won’t do it.

Sitting down to construct my journal was so liberating.

Watching what I eat and how I exercise is just part of my journey.

I want more than just counting calories and counting steps. I want all of me to be healthy. And that means making a lot of good habits to become the healthy person I want to be.

It’s holistic. It’s all of me. Body, mind and spirit.

So I sat down to make my goals.

I want to EAT BETTER.

Move MORE.

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But I also want to DRINK FIVE BOTTLES OF WATER a day. It’s good for my organs. I live in a desert, so it’s good for my skin.

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I want to READ MY BIBLE, EVERY. DAY. It’s equally important for me to be spiritually in shape, too, you know? I want to spend quality time in the presence of God. I’m going to need his strength. I’m going to need his wisdom. I’m going to need his love.

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I want to SPEAK LIFE. I want to practice every day, and remind myself that words are power. I want to build people and ideas up, not tear them down.

And No Complaining. I live in a first world country where I can do almost anything I want, and I have opportunities that most of world doesn’t have access to. What the heck do I have to complain about? I need to keep perspective. I want to be grateful.

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So here it is. Here’s where I’m starting.

I’m so excited!

My Doll

I made this doll and I just love her! I was attracted to her because she’s not shaped like all the dolls we think as pretty. She has big hips and a big tummy and big thighs. Her top half is less than perky and her skin is not white and creamy; void of any blemishes or stretch marks.

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She looks real. She looks like me.

And I think of God who created me and I share in his joy of a creation.

Good job God! She looks great!
And when I try to feel how God feels about his creation of me, like how I feel about my creation of this doll… Something changes.

I don’t think he’s lying. I think he’s sincere when he tells me I’m perfect and he loves me, because I think my doll is perfect and she makes me smile Everytime I look at her.

I made that! Isn’t she pretty? Isn’t she wonderful? Isn’t she unique? I just love her!

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Learning to Listen to Who I Am

For the greater part of 46 years, I’ve not listened to what my body was trying to tell me.

Actually, who am I trying to kid. What I did was more than neglect, it was abuse.

Not only did I ignore my body, I told it what I wanted it to do and how. I reminded it constantly how disappointed I was with it. And I pushed it beyond what it could possibly do.

I had my first of four babies, when I was 27.

From the moment of conception, my body has never been the same. The first signs of pregnancy to me, were tender breast tissue. Oh my gosh, I was the last of my girlfriend’s to have babies, and NO ONE told me about this!

Before I became pregnant I never used to sweat. Since then, I have not stopped.

Some things never went back to how it was before I became pregnant. Even when I tried my hardest to make it so, it never did.

It couldn’t. Not only was I not that person anymore; that wasn’t my body anymore.

It doesn’t have to be a tragedy. I love being a mom. I would never trade me in for the person I was before if it meant giving up my children.

But instead of constantly grieving for that body. I need to start accepting and enjoying the one I have now, more.

This is my new reality and I need to start living that way…

until it changes again.

The Thorn I Can’t Bare

Recently I put a plea out on Facebook, looking for help.

“I am on a mission and I need someone’s help. I’m looking for a program that teaches how to have a positive body image to teen girls.

I don’t have one myself, so there is no possible way that I can teach this to my daughter.

So I need help. Anyone know of a program, or have any suggestions?”

I think some people may not have understood what I’m looking for.

I’m not looking for leadership skills, or self-worth seminars.

I’m looking for something where my daughter can learn to look in a mirror, and be happy with what she sees.

Yes, I absolutely believe the best thing for her, is to work on this myself. I completely agree.  But the fact of the matter is, I’ve struggled with this since I was in the fourth grade. I haven’t figured it out yet and in the mean time, I’m teaching my daughter what I don’t want her to learn. I don’t know how not to do that, and I don’t want to do that.

I have more confidence in myself now, than I have ever had my entire life. But all I have to do, is look in a mirror, or even worse, see a picture of myself, and I become nothing.

What’s worse than nothing? I become that. It hurts.

I have been in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships, but no one has beat me up more than myself.

It does not matter if I lose weight. In fact, it makes it worse. When I do, and I always do, I start to taunt myself.

– You think you look good, don’t you. Well just wait. Wait a year, maybe two, then let’s see how good you look. Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re a fat girl. You’ll always be a fat girl.

What the hell is wrong with being a fat girl?

Why can’t I be happy with being myself, the shape I am now?

I understand the health risks that come with obesity, really I do. But I can also assure you when I look at a picture of myself, I’m not thinking, “Oh my, you look like a diabetic.”

That’s not what fills my head with dread.

– You’re gross. You’re disgusting. Have you no self-control? How lazy you’ve become.

I stand here and tell my daughter she’s beautiful and she’s not fat. She’s 11. Of course she’s not fat.

But then what? What do I tell her if a day does come that she does start to gain weight?

– You’re not fat. You’re beautiful. I’m not, but you are.

Here I am losing weight, gaining weight, eating, not eating. Crying, not crying.

I DON’T WANT THAT FOR HER!
I don’t want to teach her that, consciously or unconsciously.

God, help me!

Surely, there has got to be an answer out there somewhere.

I’m wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

Beautiful is fleeting. (Proverbs 31:30)

I can totally understand and appreciate that God’s grace is enough. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I have accepted that this is the thorn that is meant to bring me to my knees before God until the day I die. I’m okay with that.

But not for my daughter.

I can’t pass this on to her. Not this.

I am so intentional about teaching her many things, but this I can’t control.

So I’m here, on my knees asking,

God, save my daughter from this. The pain is too great for me. I don’t think I can bare it.