Day 18, Again

Dear Father,

Please help me to push him, when he needs to be pushed. Help me not to be afraid of how he will react when we butt heads. Help me to confront him, when he needs confronting.

Respect is such a fine line, help us find it.

With love,

Kim

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Day 17

Dear Lord,

I’m feeling scared. He’s been quiet. All day. I don’t know what he’s hearing in his head. I don’t know the incentive behind his seclusion.

I have to trust in you, Lord. Keep him safe. And make me available. Prepare my heart for what I need to do.

Love you,

Kim

Day 15, Again

Dear Father,

Things have become so relaxed now, I even forgot to talk to you yesterday about him. Not only relaxed, but playful. It’s times like these that I completely forget something could set my son off. This is the time when I give thanks for having this all be behind us.

And then I get upset with myself when everything explodes. But I do thank you Lord, for allowing me to see this side of my son. He’s so caring and respectful. He helps his brothers and he helps his sister. He even helps me! I don’t need to ask for him to do something, he just does. And when I do, he gets up and does it. It’s during this time that we build or repair our relationship.

I am grateful for him. Thank you for letting me be his mom.

Love,

Kim

Day 14, Again

Dear Father,

It is quiet, now. The winds have died down. We drift, waiting for the storm to come again.

We try to fix the broken pieces the last storm destroyed. We act as if the storm will not come back, but in my heart I know it will.

In my heart, I have to know it will. As soon as I forget, I am blindsided by the next.

I walk heavier around him. I am taking off my kid’s gloves. He seems to be more stable.

I can breath, again.

Lord, thank you for the calmness. Please sit with us through it.

Your daughter,

Kim

Day 13, Again

Dear Heavenly Father,

I cannot remember the last time I slept so soundly. I have been physically I’ll for weeks. I’ve been exhausted, not being able to shut my mind off. Constantly worrying about my son. Wondering if I’m doing everything I should, is there more?

And then, last night, I felt all of it was taken away from me. The last thing I remember, was texting my son, good night, I love you. I don’t remember falling asleep. I didn’t get up once to go to the bathroom. I don’t remember tossing and turning.

And then this morning, I woke to the softness of the light comforter but heavy sense of peace. Lord, I will trust you. Even if I don’t understand, I will trust you and let go of this fear that I have so strongly embraced, that it has been crushed and has now seeps into my pores.

I release it, knowing you have embraced my son so strongly that you seep into his soul. If I have to choose between the two, I chose you, every time.

Please continue to grow inside of us. Please help us both understand the transformation. Please help us understand each other.

I know that he is young, but please help him understand that I’m not doubting him, but myself. Help him understand that I am weak and I struggle too.

Thank you, for your rest. Thank you for your peace. Please hold your hand over me today as I try to push it off.

With all my love,

Kim

Day 12, Again

God,

I feel like you’re doing things in me. Preparing me for things I don’t necessarily want to do. AUGH! I don’t like it!

I want there to be another way! I don’t want to go down this path. This way seems scary. I’ve not gone this way before. Nobody wants to go this way. Nobody wants to deal with this.

But I can’t let him deal with this alone. And I don’t know how to help him. He’s asking for help, although I know this is not what he’s expecting. He’s expecting you to step in and do all the work so he doesn’t have to. I’ve known you long enough to know you don’t work that way.

I just can’t keep living like this. Wondering what he’s doing behind closed doors, in the middle of the night, when I’m not home, when he’s not home. Always wondering what’s going on inside of him.

I’ve asked you for help. Often your help hurts. Lord, prepare us both for what needs to be done.

I LOVE MY SON! I want to do what is right by him. I need to be able to make these tough decisions for him. He’s trusting me to do that. This totally sucks!!!

I want to just bury my head in a hole. I want to pretend nothing is happening. I just want him to be normal!!! Why does this always have to be hard??? There is no rest.

And then I think, there is no rest for what is going on inside of him either.

Help us find your peace. Peace that only you can provide. Peace that only you can provide when we trust in you. Peace that only you can provide when we trust and become obedient to you.

God, but it feels like you’re ripping my heart out. It feels like I’m turning my back on him. It feels horrible. God, please continue to work in me. I’m not the mom I need to be, yet. I need you to not give up on me. I need you to not turn your face from me. I need help trusting you!

Help me!

Kim