Category: Growing Faith

In My Weakness

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Five days ago, I received a call from my friend. She informs me, Butterfly’s biological father wants her to call him.

Cue a mother’s tailspin.

Even now, I’m struggling with what words to say first. So many emotions. I should probably start with the back story.

I believe I’ve shared that Butterfly is not Mike’s biological daughter. She also doesn’t share the same father as Tunes, Justice, or Fun, either.

In fact, her entire existence started in a very dark time in my life. I’ve written about it here and here.

I was living with a man who terrorized me. And I became pregnant.

It certainly didn’t start that way.

I was living alone with three little boys and going through a divorce. Let’s pretend for a minute that these were three normal little boys, which alone is a handful, and exhausting. I had left my cheating and emotionally abusive husband over a year earlier, and even the judge was like, “Why has it taken so long for this divorce to happen? Good grief.”

In walks this man…

He was charming. And funny. Liked kids. Made me laugh. Made me feel special.

But in the end, he was really a drug addict, womanizer, alcoholic, thief, hustling monster who would taunt me every day. He was always trying to make me mad. He would do something or say something to get arise out of me. I was somehow a challenge he accepted to make me lose my temper. Just how much can she handle before she loses her mind. I would start to get frustrated, and he would laugh at me, “Ooh wee! Look at her. She’s getting feisty!” But I would never let him push me too far. Until the day he did.

I had told him once again to leave. I was going to call the police and he took my phone. I picked up a stereo he had connected in our backyard, that he probably stole, and threw it on the ground, busting it into a million pieces. He had finally won, and he couldn’t be happier. He threatened to call the police on me. He told me they would come and get me for domestic violence because I broke something in anger. Didn’t matter that I didn’t throw it at him. Didn’t matter that I hadn’t touched him.

At this time, I was already pregnant. I was sleeping in our living room on the sofa. I tried to stay on the side of the house the kids’ bedrooms were on. Even though I had asked him to leave, he wouldn’t. I would wake up in the morning with him wrapping his arms around me and whisper good morning. I would push him off in disgust. This would excite him. He loved seeing me angry, defenseless, and hopeless. He would laugh.

I somehow got him to leave. It was by God’s grace, a restraining order, and the Goodyear police department I was finally free. God had broken through and rescued me.

Now this man wants to talk to my daughter. He has only seen her maybe three times as an infant. I have spent sixteen years living in fear of him suddenly reappearing and pulling her into his chaos.

I’m remembering the manipulation that trapped me. The powerlessness I felt. The way he would change my words around and make me believe I did something wrong. The guilt…the shame…the despair…

I spin.

I turn back into the person who was terrified of him. Who was hopeless and helpless. Who was broken, who was weak. I’m crying. I hand the phone to my husband, and he’s like, what is going on?

He tells me…

Kim, what are you afraid of? Don’t you remember who you are? You are not that person anymore. He doesn’t have that power over you. Remember, you’re God’s favorite.

And the next day I wake up asking him, “Would it be ok if I agreed to meet him?”

I’m sure he was like, “What the hell?” I know my friend who I asked to arrange the meeting was.

During the night I did remember who I was. And I know he doesn’t have any power over me anymore. I remember I am God’s favorite. 

Butterfly has always been curious about her bio dad.

So, today he has agreed to meet with us.

So many emotions I’m feeling. I can’t wait for this to be over.

But I’m kind of excited for him to see the young lady that will sit across from him.

She is strong. She is determined. She is not easily persuaded. She thinks for herself. She will never, ever, find herself stuck with a man like him. She has told me, “Mom, you have been training me for this day my whole life. I am not afraid. You don’t need to be either.”

So again, I am reminded, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

God must be very close, because today I feel very strong.

Kingdom of Heaven is Like…

Have you ever stood in front of one of those stereogram illusions where your eyes had to look differently at it to see the picture? The kingdom of heaven is like that. At first all you see is a bunch of squiggly lines. Lots of colors. But nothing makes sense. This is not art. You don’t see anything of value. But once your eyes learn how to look differently, an entire picture is revealed to you. 

Suddenly things are different. You stand next to others who are looking at the same thing you are, and like you, when you first stood there, all they see are squiggly lines. Lots of colors. But nothing makes sense. You could try to explain to them that there is something beautifully amazing in front of them. You could explain in great detail what you see. You can coach them. Explain how to refocus their eyes. Maybe just look at one part of the picture, and ignore the rest for now.  But they look at you like you’ve lost your mind. There is really nothing you can do to get them to see the picture any differently. It’s not until their eyes learn to see differently do they understand. They won’t get it though, unless they try and keep trying.

I wish everyone could see the Kingdom of Heaven like I do. It doesn’t look like much if you don’t know what you’re looking at. It often looks like a lot of squiggly lines with lots of color. But nothing of value or importance. 

But once the picture has been revealed to you, there’s no going back. You can’t unsee what you’ve already seen. And people call you crazy and that you’ve lost your mind. 

But it’s ok.  I’ve seen the truth. I know what’s there.

“Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand. In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: “‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For this people’s heart has become callused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.’ – Matthew 13:13-15

Sold My Soul and Taking it Back!

Today I have learned the average American earns about two million dollars over their lifetime. TWO MILLION DOLLARS! Where is it? I am practically living paycheck to paycheck. 

I have not been good or faithful. 

I am ashamed of how much debt Mike and I have accrued. I am ashamed we have let things become our god and debt in the form of monthly payments, lords over us. We have become slaves to money, to banks, to creditors, to things of this world. 

For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows. – 1 Timothy 6:10

 

I have been convicted to break free from the lie that everyone will have to owe something to someone, that debt is normal, acceptable and ok, and we can never get away with paying off school loans and a mortgage.

Our income is a gift from God, intended for others, to do his good works, not for just ourselves. I would look down on people who had lots of money and bought expensive things. I JUDGE THEM FOR BEING SELFISH AND COULDN’T POSSIBLY A BE FOLLOWER OF CHRIST! 

But look at me. I’m worse! God blessed me and I became a slave to it! And what’s worse, I sold my soul to it. I wasn’t forced. I made the wrong choice.

We can’t be good or faithful servants if we are not able to share the gifts God gave to us to share. I am disgusted with myself when I think of the amount of debt that keeps us from doing God’s plan. I feel we’ve let him down and he expected more from us. 

I am grateful for these scales that have fallen from my eyes and learning the truth. We still have time to fix this. I am angry at how easily I let myself wander from God’s path, but no more. The chains are broken TONIGHT! God will provide or he won’t, but never again will we buy something we don’t have the cash to do so. I’m taking my soul back and am placing it back into the hands of my Savior.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Forgive me for my errors. I can’t say enough how sorry I am. I was so so wrong to believe because I had no money at the end of the month, I was poor. You have given me more riches than I deserve. I ask that you be with Mike and I as we climb our way out of this hole we’ve dug, and restore what we’ve mismanaged. Thank you God. THANK YOU for caring enough for us to show us how much we need you.

Your extremely undeserving and most grateful daughter.

The People I Meet: Daniel

I met a gentleman this morning outside a convenience store, near 44th street and Van Buren. He was sitting in his wheelchair as I approached the front door, when he called me over to ask me a favor. 

I immediately shake his hand and asked him how I could help. He started off by saying he’s had a rough day, and did I have any money. Something about needing a bus pass, and a bus driver buying him a soda but the cashier inside thought he was stealing it, and then asked him to leave the premises, and he couldn’t leave…and I stopped him. “Do you need a bus pass? Well sure I can get you a bus pass. You wait right here.”

He was very appreciative. I went inside and started to grab the items I came in for; some cheese, a water and a Slim Jim, when it occurred to me I should get him something to eat and drink too. So I grabbed another water and found another Slim Jim, but when I was standing in line I remembered his crooked smile and thought he would probably have a hard time chewing the Slim Jim, so I put it back and started to find something more soft that he could enjoy. I settled on some powdered donuts, and took my place back in line. I purchased my items, reminded the cashier about the bus pass I just bought, then headed back outside to find my new friends exactly where I left him.

“Here you are my friend,” and before I could place everything into his hands he started to tell me about a prescription he needed to pick up that had a copay he couldn’t get and…

I cut him off with the same smile on my face that I had as I approached him, and asked him his name. Daniel, it was. “My name is Kim, Daniel. I hope you have an incredibly blessed day, but don’t carry any cash on me and no I’m not going back inside to get some. This is what I can do for you, so you take care.”

He thanked me for my kindness but I knew he didn’t get what he really wanted, but that’s ok. I still got to be the person I wanted to be and I didn’t let him tarnish my feelings for those in need. I didn’t let him make my heart bitter or hard. Even as I drove off and I could see he wasn’t in any hurry to catch any bus, I still prayed that one day what he wants, is what he needs.

Be well, my friend.

Boldness: A Look at Genesis to Revelations

Back in September of last year I started a new Bible study on what it looks like to be bold. Fearing I am never good enough because I am always anxious about whether I am doing anything right prompted me to learn how to be bold. What I learned has amazed me. So many assumptions I had, have been wrong. I am so grateful for the opportunity for God to lead me on this journey, and I can’t wait to see how it manifests in me.

In the beginning I learned every decision we make is bold. Being a jerk, is bold. Being nice, is bold. Even not making a decision is bold because there are still consequences with not making a decision. Standing by and letting someone be a jerk to someone, is bold. Everything comes with risks. Everything comes with consequences.

Originally, I thought boldness had to do with a lack of fear. However, I learned pretty quickly the boldness that comes from Christ, really has nothing to do with fear. It is possible to act boldly but still be fearful.

And in fact, the boldness that doesn’t come from Christ, probably has everything to do with fear. I’m afraid someone is going to take advantage of me if I don’t show him who is boss. I’m afraid if I don’t jump at this opportunity I may not be successful in life. I’m afraid if I don’t take control everything will fall to pieces.

The fear is about me. Not about Christ. I can feel fear. It’s not the sin. The sin is letting it control me. When I allow my fear to control me, I am taking back my life from Christ. I am no longer letting him be my Lord.

Once I hit the New testament I realized the boldness I wanted to inherit comes from God. Without Jesus or without the Holy Spirit it is impossible to please him. Again this boldness has nothing to do with fear. Boldness, like courage, is feeling fear and doing it anyway. It looks foolish to the world. It looks like weakness. It looks like defeat.

I found faith as a better way to describe boldness. Boldness allows you to do something, because it’s the right thing to do, not because you weren’t afraid. Your faith in God, makes you bold. Without faith, it is impossible to be bold for Christ.

I’m not sure if boldness is the same as faith, but I definitely believe it is a result of it. Boldness is your demonstration of your faith. Faith is a verb, and it looks like boldness. The stronger your faith, the bolder you become.

I want to live a life that displays more than my salvation. I want to spend my days living a life worthy of my Father. One that points to who my Father is. One that honors him. I don’t just want Christ to save my life. I want him to use my life. I could not do this without inheriting the boldness his Spirit gives.

With his boldness, I am able to live in this world without being a part of it. I am able to look forward to eternal and heavenly consequences, rather than earthly consequence that may be immediate but will one day disappear.

Once His Spirit enters me, my will to live is gone and the desire to do His will is birthed. I am transformed. I am no longer the same person. I am a new creation. I have access to a boldness I never had before. It starts small, but with practice and devotion, it grows. The less there is of me, the more of him there is.

The Bible is full of instruction on how to mature your boldness. The Holy Spirit enables you to be bold, but it won’t magically make you bold. It will require your commitment, your dedication, your faith.

Like the Israelites who spent 40 years in the desert being sanctified, learning how to be God’s Holy people; I have my time on earth to do the same thing. With the boldness the Lord gives me, I am learning what it means to stop being a product of this world and start being a product of a heavenly one. I’m grateful he has given me more than 40 years, but now I feel the urgency to make up for lost time. Cuz honestly, I’ve only recently started this whole sanctification process.

I live for the Day of Judgment when my salvation has been made evident, and I am rewarded for my boldness. And reward enough for me is to hear my Father’s words, “Good and faithful.”

Giving It All Away

Giving everything you have to the Kingdom of Heaven, is bold.

You are trusting God to fulfill all his promises; that he loves you, is watching out for you, he’s going to provide everything you need, so that your resources he gave you in the first place, can go to help others know him as their father as well. He didn’t give us all this stuff so that we could live a comfy life. All this stuff is suppose to empower us to do his work; to show his love, to be his hands and feet. We were never supposed to horde what we have. We were never supposed to collect riches, things, or prestige. He puts us in position to help, and watches to see if we are investing it into others.

There are people out there who work twice as hard, five times as hard, as I do and yet, their income does not reflect mine. No one deserves what they receive. Wealth is not based on the amount of your effort, like you are somehow more special, more deserving, more gifted. It’s all a gift. A gift that was meant for others. It’s a privilege.

Oh, but I understand how great the temptation is to hold onto everything. To be selfish and then justify it by saying I deserve it. I don’t. We don’t. We don’t deserve any of it.

Now the flip side to this is there are those who refuse the gifts of God. They don’t take up their righteous place in his kingdom. They don’t want to listen to the instructions he provides, so they never find themselves in a position to help others, to do his work, to show his love, to be his hands and feet. They are victims to their circumstances. They blame others, instead of themselves. So his resources are never offered. Actually, they are offered, but they’re not accepted. Maybe they don’t know another way, maybe they’re too proud to follow any other way.

But there’s hope. He always leaves his door open to anyone who wants to come in and take up their inherited position he has set aside for them.

So he trusts us, those of us who have already inherited the Kingdom of God to lead those who don’t know him, and they in turn, use their inheritance to lead others too. It’s a beautiful cycle of love he gifts us; those of us who participate. The joy he gives out does any comfort we can horde here on Earth.

He commands nothing, but he asks for it all. He’s the kind of God I want to serve. He doesn’t need me, but he wants me anyway.

Jesus called his disciples to him and said, “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has given more than all the others who are making contributions. For they gave a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on.” – Mark 12:43-44

This is All I Know

If even Peter was weak and let Jesus down, how can I possibly not??? He lived with him, spoke to him. Saw his miracles. Heard him teaching. Walked on freakin’ water with him! And yet, he still denied him. THREE TIMES! IN THE SAME NIGHT!!! I am so screwed. We are all, so so screwed.

Maybe I need to accept that I fail at following Jesus, miserably. Even when I do good, I’m still screwing it all up. My ways are not his ways, and my thoughts are not his thoughts. I have trouble understanding people here on earth. So no, I don’t know exactly what God expects from me. But I know in my heart I want to spend the rest of my life figuring it out. Even if I’m doing it all wrong. I still want to pursue him, because he gives me hope.

He tells me I am loved even when I’m unlovable. He gives me peace knowing he is watching over me, guiding me, giving me a way out of the traps I keep setting for myself. He makes me new. He erases all the false messages I’ve heard about myself from others and gives me truth. Truth that I am a screw-up and he loves me anyway. He made me this way, and I am honoring him, by accepting who I am. A child of God.

I know my place; I know I’m not worthy. And only because Jesus says I am, I am. I am saved by his grace. Not by my works.

If I know anything, this is what I know…

For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16

This is My Mission

I am convinced that I will live for all eternity. I am 47 and when I am 87, I will say, I am only 87 because in terms of forever, it is just the beginning. I will not live like I am used up, for my lifetime has just started. I will not use excuses, focus on limits, or diminish my worth or value. My time here on Earth may be done, but that does not mean I am done. I will transition.

Therefore, I will talk about the future. I will imagine my life in 100 years, 200 years, 1,000. I will plan. I will dream. I will prepare.

I am here training. I will continue to build my faith because I am convinced it will serve me well later. I will build relationships and compassion. I will walk beyond my comfort zone. I do this because I truly believe the amount of effort I put forth now will determine the quality of life I will live forever.

This time here is oh so temporary and such a short time with so much to do. I pray the Lord will cram as much training as I can possibly handle into my few years I have left. Life has not plagued me with death, destruction or trauma. He has kept me fed, kept me warm, kept me safe. Blessed me beyond measure. I have not had to be distracted with life tragedies. He has protected me from such things, yet what have I used my time for? All selfish things, I can assure you.

It has all been for my comfort, and not for his purpose. I have suddenly been awakened with conviction that I have been living on borrowed time. This time was not meant for me, but for the work of the Lord. And I have squandered it on selfishness. I promise you, this will happen no more.

I pray I stop being the obstacle of my growth and development. I pray I am able to make up the time lost on selfish endeavors, and get to what really matters. I pray for maturity. I pray for conviction. I pray for the day when I see my Father and he tells me, “You did great! I have so much to show you. So much for you to do. I’ve had this planned for you all along, and I think you are ready for it now. Come. Let’s get to work!”

This is the plan he has for me. This is what he is talking about in Jeremiah 29:11.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

THIS! This is my mission!

The Valley of Blessings

The Valley of Blessings

This is where I live, and it’s ok. Yes it’s in the valley where we struggle the most. But I’ve been told you’re either on your way out of the valley or on your way in. We never spend much time on the mountain top. And that’s ok too.

As long as I know I’m not alone once I get there, I know I’ll be ok. In fact, I praise God when I’m there, because I’ve also been told he is close to the broken hearted. So I would rather be broken with my savior in the valley, than be living the high life, alone.

Jehoshaphat was terrified by this news and begged the Lord for guidance.  – 2 Chronicles 20:3

This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. – 2 Chronicles 20:15

Believe in the Lord your God, and you will be able to stand firm. – 2 Chronicles 20:20

On the fourth day they gathered in the Valley of Blessing, which got its name that day because the people praised and thanked the Lord there. It is still called the Valley of Blessing today. – 2 Chronicles 20:26

The Apology

Yesterday, I found myself sitting in my car yelling at some woman I have never met because she fed my son. Actually, that’s not why I was yelling at her, but it is something she does everyday.

I had lost it. I lost my patience. And then I hung up. It was ugly. I was ugly.

I was already having a bad day, a bad week actually. And I know I was being tested.

Things just kept happening.

I had to take my mom to two appointments. Take my kids to theirs. Go to mine. Schedule more for my mom. Try to coordinate with work what times I could take off. My AC broke. My AC broke again. My daughter gets sent home from school with a fever and can’t be sent back. There are fraudulent activities on my debit card.

And then there is this woman who was just trying to do her job. Who doesn’t understand the issues I have with my son. Who doesn’t know our history. Who just…just was a person I could lash out at instead of a thing that was making my life more difficult.

Satan, I’m sure loved that. I felt horrible. I felt horrible not because of all the crap that was happening around me or to me, but I felt horrible because of something I did, something I could have controlled.

The feeling festered inside of me. And even though people around me were telling me I was justified and I shouldn’t beat myself up over it; we all make mistakes, I felt… unworthy, I felt disgusted, I felt I let God down.

That’s exactly the feeling Satan wanted me to feel.

This morning I heard a faint whisper, it was faint but it was clear.

You could call, and apologize.

It wasn’t a command. It wasn’t a should.

It was just a suggestion, but as soon as I heard it, I knew it was right. I knew how to stop the self loathing, I knew how I could stand tall before the altar of God, again.

But I was scared! How can I do this? What will I say? What if she yells back at me?

Oh God, this is really something I need to do to make it right? I knew the answer.

Yes, I screwed up. Yes I am human. Yes, I am forgiven. But none of these made me feel any better about myself.

I picked up the phone. I called the school. I asked to speak to the cafeteria. And as the words fell from my mouth how deeply sorry I was for speaking to her the way I had, I became completely broken and I couldn’t keep my composure.

There was silence.

I was scared she was going to lash back at me for making her feel so bad. I deserved it. I was not Christ-like. I had misrepresented him. I should be ashamed. I was ashamed.

The pause broke, and I could feel her heart melt, as mine did, when she responded, “I am sorry, too.”

At that moment I felt the Grace of God, not only pour down onto me, but onto us, as we were lifted from this earthly realm, and risen to a heavenly state.

I felt Jesus today. I felt Holy; set apart. I felt transformed. I felt forgiven. I felt worthy. I felt loved.

LOVE ME, EVEN THOUGH I AM UNLOVABLE!

I felt God say, “I do.