Yesterday, I found myself sitting in my car yelling at some woman I have never met because she fed my son. Actually, that’s not why I was yelling at her, but it is something she does everyday.
I had lost it. I lost my patience. And then I hung up. It was ugly. I was ugly.
I was already having a bad day, a bad week actually. And I know I was being tested.
Things just kept happening.
I had to take my mom to two appointments. Take my kids to theirs. Go to mine. Schedule more for my mom. Try to coordinate with work what times I could take off. My AC broke. My AC broke again. My daughter gets sent home from school with a fever and can’t be sent back. There are fraudulent activities on my debit card.
And then there is this woman who was just trying to do her job. Who doesn’t understand the issues I have with my son. Who doesn’t know our history. Who just…just was a person I could lash out at instead of a thing that was making my life more difficult.
Satan, I’m sure loved that. I felt horrible. I felt horrible not because of all the crap that was happening around me or to me, but I felt horrible because of something I did, something I could have controlled.
The feeling festered inside of me. And even though people around me were telling me I was justified and I shouldn’t beat myself up over it; we all make mistakes, I felt… unworthy, I felt disgusted, I felt I let God down.
That’s exactly the feeling Satan wanted me to feel.
This morning I heard a faint whisper, it was faint but it was clear.
You could call, and apologize.
It wasn’t a command. It wasn’t a should.
It was just a suggestion, but as soon as I heard it, I knew it was right. I knew how to stop the self loathing, I knew how I could stand tall before the altar of God, again.
But I was scared! How can I do this? What will I say? What if she yells back at me?
Oh God, this is really something I need to do to make it right? I knew the answer.
Yes, I screwed up. Yes I am human. Yes, I am forgiven. But none of these made me feel any better about myself.
I picked up the phone. I called the school. I asked to speak to the cafeteria. And as the words fell from my mouth how deeply sorry I was for speaking to her the way I had, I became completely broken and I couldn’t keep my composure.
There was silence.
I was scared she was going to lash back at me for making her feel so bad. I deserved it. I was not Christ-like. I had misrepresented him. I should be ashamed. I was ashamed.
The pause broke, and I could feel her heart melt, as mine did, when she responded, “I am sorry, too.”
At that moment I felt the Grace of God, not only pour down onto me, but onto us, as we were lifted from this earthly realm, and risen to a heavenly state.
I felt Jesus today. I felt Holy; set apart. I felt transformed. I felt forgiven. I felt worthy. I felt loved.
LOVE ME, EVEN THOUGH I AM UNLOVABLE!
I felt God say, “I do.