When Justice starts to complain about all his aches and pains, when he starts searching for sleep, I start to worry that he’s detoxing from something; that he’s self medicating. I become more anxious as he grows more desperate and agitated.
He retires to his room and I am left wondering, is he ok? Is he healing himself? Or is the noise in his head about to hold him captive all night long, and leave him exhausted by morning, with his mom forcing him to get up, get ready and get out the door for school?
I complain he doesn’t get a job so that he can drive and then I imagine, what if he did and then would I really want him to have access to a car when he’s struggling with his demons?
That’s not something I can take back, easily.
Maybe God is still protecting us.
I am, once again, reminded that he is not normal. He may never be normal. I may never be ready for him to grow up. The risks just keep getting greater. I would rather have him, not normal, than to lose him forever.
Is this getting easier for him? Is he more in control? I know he has more control of his monsters, but is he controlling them? Or is he letting them roam, until they are out of control?
God, please continue to protect me from the unknown.
Please continue to work inside of him, to tame his demons. Empower him to take control. He is your son, and the spirit of Christ lives in him. Build his faith in you. Give him strength when he is weak. May his inner monsters shutter at your name.
Stay with us, both. Always. Protect and shield.