Day 12, Again

God,

I feel like you’re doing things in me. Preparing me for things I don’t necessarily want to do. AUGH! I don’t like it!

I want there to be another way! I don’t want to go down this path. This way seems scary. I’ve not gone this way before. Nobody wants to go this way. Nobody wants to deal with this.

But I can’t let him deal with this alone. And I don’t know how to help him. He’s asking for help, although I know this is not what he’s expecting. He’s expecting you to step in and do all the work so he doesn’t have to. I’ve known you long enough to know you don’t work that way.

I just can’t keep living like this. Wondering what he’s doing behind closed doors, in the middle of the night, when I’m not home, when he’s not home. Always wondering what’s going on inside of him.

I’ve asked you for help. Often your help hurts. Lord, prepare us both for what needs to be done.

I LOVE MY SON! I want to do what is right by him. I need to be able to make these tough decisions for him. He’s trusting me to do that. This totally sucks!!!

I want to just bury my head in a hole. I want to pretend nothing is happening. I just want him to be normal!!! Why does this always have to be hard??? There is no rest.

And then I think, there is no rest for what is going on inside of him either.

Help us find your peace. Peace that only you can provide. Peace that only you can provide when we trust in you. Peace that only you can provide when we trust and become obedient to you.

God, but it feels like you’re ripping my heart out. It feels like I’m turning my back on him. It feels horrible. God, please continue to work in me. I’m not the mom I need to be, yet. I need you to not give up on me. I need you to not turn your face from me. I need help trusting you!

Help me!

Kim

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