It has been almost two week since my son’s last meltdown. He’s been able to go on with life as if nothing has happened. That’s usually the way it goes for him. But those who live with him, the memory and the trauma lasts longer.
I still walk on eggshells. I still ask him every morning and every night if he’s taken his supplements to reduce his anxiety. Every night I still lay in bed, wondering if my child is able to sleep this night. Every morning, I wake up wondering which son I will be walking up to.
This will go on for probably another week. Then I will start to forget what internal torment my son lives with and will let my guard down, only to be caught unprepared by the violent realization that he has stopped, or not taken all of his supplements, or worse, some unforeseen stressor has revealed itself and the anxiety is too much for him.
God, protect us, protect me from this quiet time. Each time the storm has settled, I pray that it never comes again. This time will be different. He has had his last meltdown. He is just a normal kid. But I’m my heart, I know it’s not true.
It’s not that I don’t have faith that you can heal him. I just don’t think you will, and I’m ok with that, as long as I forever see you through each and every storm. And I don’t mind the weeks of walking on eggshells, as long as I see he is doing better.
But God, I ask that you protect the rest of my family. Don’t let this scare them, like it scares me. Don’t let them live, wondering when the next meltdown will be. Don’t let them keep themselves busy at other houses, trying to forget what goes on in ours. Lord, please protect them from a fractured relationship with someone they love.
If this is something we all need to live through, please help us love through it, as well. Make us better people, more compassionate, more understanding, more capable of loving others.
Show us your beauty, as you comfort our pain.