I’ve been wrestling with God since my last blog. I also have been trying to take care of myself because the days to come could be brutal if what he has planned isn’t what I’m mentally prepared to handle.
I’ve started Holy Yoga, which I have to be honest, is nothing like I expected. I’m signed up to retake a 12 week Codependency class. I’m meeting with a counselor throughout the month. I’m praying and have been asking for prayers. And lastly reading; scripture, yes, but also books and articles related to dementia and Alzheimer’s.
This is what I have learned.
- We live our lives looking to men to be our God. Doctors make us feel good or feel better. They give us answers. They prolong our lives. But when the time comes, there will truly be only one God who can make us feel good or better. Only God can offer us any hope or purpose to why life is how it is. In the end it will only be me and Jesus.
- God doesn’t like Alzheimer’s, but he will use it to show himself.
- Those inflicted see Jesus in their caregivers. And if opened to it, caregivers draw on God’s strength, peace, and wisdom. He transforms them to look like Jesus.
- Jesus served. And so shall I.
The change happened when I felt in my heart, my past relationship with my mom was done.
There is nothing to add or take from it.
You could say, I released her. That’s what it feels like.
Today, is a new day, a new start, and I have been called to continue refining my character by moving on with my Christ-centered life.
My identity, my worth, comes from serving my Lord, not replaying unforgiveness of the past.
I still have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of growing, while I’m here. I have been called to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I have been called to let people see Jesus through me, not for my glory, but his.
I have sinned against my mom. I have not brought her comfort when I could have. I have chosen to pull away, instead of moving closer. I have made things harder on her by not helping her carry her load. I know what a touch does to her soul, but have not been around. I know how affirming words lift her spirit, but I have kept them to myself. I’ve known what she’s struggled to say, but I’ve made her continue searching for the right words. I know how much her family means to her, and I’ve kept them away.
To continue to ignore how God would want to use me, would be deplorably wrong. It would not only be a sin against her, but him.
However, I appreciate how Christ gave me time to heal. I appreciate that he didn’t condemn me for taking so much time in my pain. I appreciate how he didn’t let me sit in my sorrow, nor run from it, but nudged me to keep searching for something I didn’t know what I was searching for.
I have made up my mind to follow Christ. I will pick up my towel and serve him, by serving my her.
Day one, he has erased my hard feelings. That doesn’t mean they won’t come back, but for today they are gone.
I have had a meeting with my family and have asked for their support and understanding and what’s even cooler, is they have decided to come alongside and do it with me.
We will learn together how to have someone who can quite possibly, although not purposely, hurt our feelings but still have a place in our life. We will learn what Alzheimer’s looks like and adapt to its changes. We will choose to love even if we don’t feel loved.
We will learn grace, together.
It is an honor to be given the opportunity to act out my faith in obedience.
I’M SCARED! I’ve already lost my mom. She died 16 years ago when she had her last stroke. I’ve already grieved that part, and if I let her back in, and I love her, I’m going to have to eventually grieve her again.
But I will, because as awful as that day will be, more tragic would be walking away from the gift she could be giving me.
Maybe things happen in my childhood that shouldn’t have, maybe she could have been better, but maybe she’s been given a second chance. I can still learn and grow from her.
I have always searched to become the woman I was supposed to be.
And to not take advantage of this opportunity could mean walking away from my destiny.
Settling for something less.
Allowing unforgiveness to steal my birthright.
Maybe we both have been given a second chance. Maybe she can finally see Jesus. And I can finally become the woman God designed me to be.