I’ve been thinking a lot, as you know, about the relationship I have with my mom, and recently I had a new revelation.
The revelation came after a recent interaction with her.
I’m not going to get into all the details of what was said, or what happened. I’d rather not bring it up if I don’t have to.
But I would like to fill you in on what I came up with after trying to understand what had happened.
I’ve always said, ever since the the birth of my first son, that I just didn’t feel like I had that “Mom” gene all my friends seemed to have.
My friends all seemed to have had a desire to be a mom. They loved babies even when they were stinky and messy. They enjoyed playing with their kids and didn’t seem to care if their house was in shambles. They were creative with meal time, cutting sandwiches into hearts and pancakes had smiley faces.
Okay, I know not all of my friends did this or at least not all the time but I’ve always felt I was different. I always felt like something was wrong with me.
That something was just missing. I didn’t know what I was doing and my kids were going to suffer because of it. They were going to have a disadvantage because of it, and I felt remorse for it, even before any evidence was collected to show it.
But the revelation that recently came to me and I feel is SO important that I need to share it with everyone, is…
MAYBE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
Maybe, just maybe, it was my mom who was born without the “Mom” gene I felt I’ve been missing.
In fact not only does my mom not have the “Mom”gene but that I REALLY DO HAVE IT! I just didn’t know what it looked like or how it worked.
But that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. I was born with that instinct moms have for their kids. I just didn’t know how to express it.
I love my kids. There’s nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for them. I would never intentionally hurt them. I would never take from them. My life’s desire is to push them into being the best people they can be.
THAT’S THE “MOM” GENE!
It’s true, some moms don’t have it. It’s unfortunate, but it’s not me. And my kids are not at a disadvantage because of it.
So now when I have to interact with her I don’t need to go into the relationship wondering, “What’s wrong with me, that she treat me like this?” But instead, “It’s not that there is something wrong with me, but that there’s something missing in her.”
Oh my gosh, all these years of feeling like a bad daughter. Feeling like I deserve to be treated badly, because why else would she treat me so badly. Of feeling insignificant. Always trying to impress her. Always looking to be her beloved. Wanting to be worthy, worthy of a mother’s love.
I get it now!
Actually, I’ve always had it!