The Thorn I Can’t Bare

Recently I put a plea out on Facebook, looking for help.

“I am on a mission and I need someone’s help. I’m looking for a program that teaches how to have a positive body image to teen girls.

I don’t have one myself, so there is no possible way that I can teach this to my daughter.

So I need help. Anyone know of a program, or have any suggestions?”

I think some people may not have understood what I’m looking for.

I’m not looking for leadership skills, or self-worth seminars.

I’m looking for something where my daughter can learn to look in a mirror, and be happy with what she sees.

Yes, I absolutely believe the best thing for her, is to work on this myself. I completely agree.  But the fact of the matter is, I’ve struggled with this since I was in the fourth grade. I haven’t figured it out yet and in the mean time, I’m teaching my daughter what I don’t want her to learn. I don’t know how not to do that, and I don’t want to do that.

I have more confidence in myself now, than I have ever had my entire life. But all I have to do, is look in a mirror, or even worse, see a picture of myself, and I become nothing.

What’s worse than nothing? I become that. It hurts.

I have been in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships, but no one has beat me up more than myself.

It does not matter if I lose weight. In fact, it makes it worse. When I do, and I always do, I start to taunt myself.

– You think you look good, don’t you. Well just wait. Wait a year, maybe two, then let’s see how good you look. Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re a fat girl. You’ll always be a fat girl.

What the hell is wrong with being a fat girl?

Why can’t I be happy with being myself, the shape I am now?

I understand the health risks that come with obesity, really I do. But I can also assure you when I look at a picture of myself, I’m not thinking, “Oh my, you look like a diabetic.”

That’s not what fills my head with dread.

– You’re gross. You’re disgusting. Have you no self-control? How lazy you’ve become.

I stand here and tell my daughter she’s beautiful and she’s not fat. She’s 11. Of course she’s not fat.

But then what? What do I tell her if a day does come that she does start to gain weight?

– You’re not fat. You’re beautiful. I’m not, but you are.

Here I am losing weight, gaining weight, eating, not eating. Crying, not crying.

I DON’T WANT THAT FOR HER!
I don’t want to teach her that, consciously or unconsciously.

God, help me!

Surely, there has got to be an answer out there somewhere.

I’m wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

Beautiful is fleeting. (Proverbs 31:30)

I can totally understand and appreciate that God’s grace is enough. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I have accepted that this is the thorn that is meant to bring me to my knees before God until the day I die. I’m okay with that.

But not for my daughter.

I can’t pass this on to her. Not this.

I am so intentional about teaching her many things, but this I can’t control.

So I’m here, on my knees asking,

God, save my daughter from this. The pain is too great for me. I don’t think I can bare it.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “The Thorn I Can’t Bare

  1. You are and always have been beautiful!
    I love you. I’m not sure how you can worry about Butterfly’s attitude, you never “strutted your stuff” like Butterfly does. I think you have done great with her so far and sure you will in the future.

    Dad

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, Kim, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You are most beautifully and wonderfully made that is dor sure. You are a true testament to God’s love and how he is working in you. I so understand what you are talking about and how you feel. I think talking with your daughter always and sharing how you felt your entire life will help but I think you are on the right track with that program you found as well. God is doing amazing work through you and you are helping so many others too! You are an amazing woman! Keep up the good work.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My dear friend, you do have what it takes to teach your daughter. If we wait till we are on the other side of the lessons in life we would never touch anyone. You are a work in progress and you have traveled enough of the journey to share with your daughter to help her reach the shore completely in tact; well for the most part. Do any of us really reach the shore intact? Trust me, you don’t need someone else to teach to model what you desire for your daughter. You have all you need. Your struggles give you an understanding that no one else has. Your battles give you a perspective that no one else has. The love for your daughter is a love no one else has. There is no one better qualified to come alongside your daughter, then you.

    Like

    1. And maybe, just maybe as you come alongside your daughter in teaching her, she may teach you and the battle will no longer control you; for you will have conquered the body image demons.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s