Often times, I have a lot of down time between jobs. I find things to keep me busy if I don’t have enough time to run to the office.
When I was in school, it’s when I did most of my homework. Today, I find myself reading, crocheting sleeping mats, or walking.
I’ve recently committed myself to walking five miles everyday, so I have spent most of my down time doing just that. I’ll drive to my next assignment, park my car, and start walking.
And yes I have gotten lost a few times and some of my walks have turned to runs after losing track of time and getting lost in my own head.
I do a lot of praying on these walks.
As you may know, my oldest son has been laying the heaviest on my heart.
Today, I found myself walking into a Target to use their bathroom, before heading back to my assignment. As I approached the restroom I noticed a pretty full cart sitting immediately outside the door. I thought it kind of curious, however, upon entering I heard the sweet soft voice of a little boy talking.
I never got to see who he was or his mother, but on the other side of that stall, I was thrown into a time machine that took me back to when my big boy was three.
“Will it go by itself? Will it go by itself? ”
” No, it won’t automatically flush.”, his mother replied.
“It won’t go by itself? ”
” No, it won’t. It doesn’t need to flush. You didn’t go potty. ”
“Will it go by itself?”
“No, it won’t. Come on, let’s go.”
“I can touch the soap? I can touch the soap? I CAN TOUCH THE SOAP! ”
” Yes, you can touch the soap. Let’s hurry. ”
As the large door was opening for them to leave, I heard a thump. And they were gone.
I didn’t get to see him or his mom, because I didn’t want to. In my mind I was reliving an old memory that could have played out, just as I was hearing it.
I miss my little boy so much. But I decided right then and there that I didn’t wish to go back. I miss him and long for him, but anytime I feel the grief is too much, I can go back in time, on any given day, in any giving Target bathroom and listen to those memories again.
When he was little and I was there with him in that bathroom, I also remember my sweet little boy didn’t always bring me joy.
There was a lot of frustration back in his childhood as well. And just as I long for that little three year old, there will be a time when I will miss this eighteen year old too.
It’s easy to miss something once you realize everything will be OK. Once the struggle is gone so is the stress, worry and fear. Funny how those feelings aren’t as clear in your memories.
We’re definitely going through quite a struggle right now. But it won’t last forever. I’m going to try letting go some of that stress, worry and fear now, and start enjoying my big little boy today. You know, before I miss him.
After I washed my hands and turned the corner to exit, I saw the large yellow “wet floor” cone on its side, half way blocking the door.
Ah, yes. My three year old has been through here.