Ten years ago I was a product of several bad relationships. I was emotionally and verbally beaten, everyday. And even though, I was no longer in a relation, the emotional abuse I endured, I found I had started reproducing inside myself.
I no longer needed someone to beat me up, I did it to myself.
At the time I started looking for healing, I thought I was saving myself from my future. I thought I was saving my life.
Ten years later, I see God was in fact, saving my son’s as well.
I was a codependent and an enabler. I rescued. I jumped in and saved people from their unfortunate consequences.
In returned, I was taken advantage of. Eventually, I felt responsible for everyone and everything. People needed me. Bad behaviors continued and suddenly everything was my fault.
I did not know how to end this cycle. I didn’t even know this was a cycle!
I learned I am no one’s Savior. I truly was not as important as I thought I was.
And most importantly, I learned it is ok for people to fall. Fall flat on their face, if need be.
People do not change until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the change.
I was saving people before they hit their rock bottom. Do you know what happens once you hit rock bottom? You have no where to look, but up.
God is waiting for you at your rock bottom. Things change at your rock bottom. The pain of remaining the same, becomes greater than the change, at your rock bottom.
It was tough letting people down. It was hard to see people I love, hurt. I felt selfish, was told I was being selfish.
“You call yourself a Christian?” How could I possibly do something for myself, when those around me were in so much pain.
…pain that they are causing to themselves.
If it wasn’t for my healing community, I never would have been able to break free from this dysfunction. I was reminded I could not help others, until I first help myself. I could not love others, until I first loved myself.
Letting people experience the errors of their ways was the most loving thing I could do for them. I was standing in the way of their Jesus.
I rescued, to make me feel better, not to make them better.
So, here I am, ten years later. My son is making very poor decisions. Decisions that greatly impact the course of his life. He can either find his Jesus now, or find him years from now.
Oh how I wish I had found my Jesus at eighteen, instead of 35. I don’t regret it, but oh how different would my life have been.