I Miss My Family

When I was six years old, my mom and dad moved my brother and I out of a small town in Illinois and into a metropolitan city of Arizona.

Honestly, I can’t remember how upset I was, if I was, once we moved. I’m sure I shedded a lot of tears, but other than that, I don’t remember longing to go back.

However, that’s the place where my family was. I had lots of cousins my age, aunts and uncles, and my grandparents. Well, one set of grandparents, I never got an opportunity to meet the other set. They had both past before my parents were even married.

I have lots of fond memories of get togethers. Only a few of my earliest memories are without family. It’s nice to have them. They make me smile. They make me feel loved.

That being said, I don’t regret for a minute being brought to a big city. There was lots of stuff to fill the void of my missing family. Besides, there was still the four of us.

My brother and I grew up very close. We’re four years apart, but he was often my best friend. I remember adults thinking we were weird, because we got along so well.

I miss my brother.

He now lives about 20 minutes away. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to see him maybe 3 to 4 times a year. He’s got a big family too. He’s pretty busy. I understand. I guess. Still doesn’t stop me from missing him.

My mom and dad have since divorced.

She now lives in an assisted living facility. Long, crazy and not my story to tell, how she ended up there. It breaks my heart we don’t have a healthy relationship. I try often, and always end up being re-injured, every. single. time.

My dad and my step mom have just recently moved back to Arizona from Virginia. They were there for a little over two years, taking care of my step mom’s family. They said they would be back, but I never believe it would be true. My step mom has a VERY close family. I didn’t think she would be able to move away from them, again.

As my kids are getting ready to start venturing off, into the world, I wonder if this is the last time we’ll be together as a family. Will we separate like my family did when I grew up? Will these be the last days the kids will be together?

It scares me, because quite honestly, I don’t feel I did a very good job of showing them how to stay connected to family.

They don’t have a relationship with their uncle.

They see me push my mom away.

And my dad, well, he taught my brother and I to be independent but he’s there if we need him. The goal however, is to never need him. So what is that relationship suppose to look like? I’m very happily sad to say I’ve grown up to be very successful at being independent. I miss my dad.

How can someone be so close to her family, yet miss them so much???

I so don’t want this for my kids.

God, show me what it’s like to have a family. If there is any way to preserve mine, please show me how. I don’t want mine to leave and spread out across a few hundred square miles to be lost in the busyness of life. My prayer is you keep us close to you, as you keep us close to one another. Show me how this can be done, even in a fast pace, ever growing, full of distractions, city.
Your daughter,
Kim

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