That Little Girl

I recently finished a six week workshop at a local church, called Growing In God’s Truth: Spirit, Soul and Body.

I learned lots of good stuff, but upon realizing we had hit our last night, I really felt I was missing something. I mean, lots of things were clicking for me but I felt the class just wasn’t complete. I needed more.

One of the last things one of our instructors left us with was, what is your self-talk saying? What are the lies you are telling yourself?

During class, I just ignored the question. I didn’t feel she was talking to me because I’ve already done my self examination and worked through all the false messages I heard growing up.

If given a minute I could give you the exact day of when I developed a weight issue. I know now what I thought then, was not truth. Seriously, not an issue anymore.

I’ve struggled with and came to terms with understanding my childhood was over sexualized and watching what you eat and exercising is living a healthy lifestyle, not a ploy for sex.

I’ve also learned the dirty thoughts that infiltrated mens’ minds while I was growing up was not my issue, but theirs.

See, I’ve done my homework. So what am I missing?

She also encouraged us to ask God what we are suppose to look like. How does he see us? Ask him to show you.

Tonight, as I was on my walk I decided to bring it up. I really didn’t have any idea of how I’m suppose to look like.

Now I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been on this journey before. I’ve lost a totally of 60lbs, only to put 56 of it back on.

But as I was on my walk tonight, I kept thinking of a picture I remember someone tagging me in on Facebook. I was helping someone out by serving at their block party. I wasn’t at my goal weight yet, but I felt good.

It was the first picture of myself that I can remember looking at and thinking, wow, that’s me. It was the first picture ever, that I can remember not feeling shame, guilt, or embarrassment.

It lasted for about a second.

My next immediate thought was, so you think you’re great, don’t you? You’re not all that great. In fact, give yourself a couple of years and let’s see were you’re at.

Tonight, I replayed that whole inner, interaction in my head.

One of the things I learned during my recovery and healing from who I was, and who I had become, I had learned a theory (that you may or may not agree with) that when something traumatic happens to you as a child, a part of you is stunted. Emotionally stunted, so in order to heal you have to identify that child within you and walk her through the traumatic event. Telling her what was truth and what was lies. Explaining what she didn’t understand. Helping her understand it wasn’t her fault.

I had thought I had already done that. I thought I had already identified all the little Kim’s inside of me and made her feel safe.

But tonight, as I was reliving this moment in time with the picture, I thought to myself, why are you so mean? I felt good about myself. Why did you have to ruin it? Who are you, and why are you just so mean?

Maybe I have one more little Kim to deal with. But who is she? Where did she come from? And what is her problem?

Another thing I’ve learned in my recovery, is hurt people, hurt. So I went through the process of trying to understand why she is so hurt.

God didn’t reveal much to me about this hurt inside of me or where it came from at that time, but as soon as I walked in the front door, my daughter pulled me down the hall for a talk and to hear a message from God.

A message, I was to give to my daughter, through me, to her, but was for me. Oh my gosh, God is so crazy like that.

She went on about not fitting in at school and how she was trying really hard at but she didn’t feel like she was doing very well and she’s just not good at some things…. when I stopped her.

Stop saying you’re not good at things. Stop saying you can’t do something. You need to stop, because every time you say something like that, there is a little part of you, inside, saying, “I can do it! Just let me try! If you let me practice, I know I can do it!” and if you never let her try, she’s gonna stop trying. Don’t do that.

As the words started pouring out of my mouth, I started apologizing to that little Kim inside of me.

I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you. I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you try. I’m sorry I gave up on you. I’m sorry I didn’t have faith.

Dear Heavenly Father, I know this little girl I’ve stunted inside of me is really you. I have told you no, for so long. I’ve stopped listening to you. I’ve stopped believing that you have a plan for me and have let fear rob me of it. Lord, I ask that you heal me once again. Remove the lies that tell me I’m unworthy, that I’m not worth it, that I am all that I have become. Restore my faith, Lord. Restore my faith, that exceeds my understanding.