To Trust

It was just over two years now that I remember sitting next to my sons in a large church service. One of them had his ear buds in and the other was slouched forward with his elbows on his knees and head in his hands.

They came, out of respect for me, but here they sat in total disrespect of their King. I thought to myself, I can make them come, but I can’t make them worship.

I looked at them and knew they weren’t getting anything out of this. Actually I stopped myself. That wasn’t true. They were getting something out of this.

What they were getting was mom who was making them come, and one day when they turn 18, they were never going to step foot inside another church again.

They sat there with their minds closed and by making them continue to go, I saw that I was adding the concrete to seal it shut.

I decided I wasn’t going to force them to go any longer.

Sadly, they haven’t gone with me for the past two years.

Well, our family now goes to a different church. There is nothing sparkly or sexy about this one.

We meet in our pastor’s house but it’s mostly just to disciple our kids. Our tithes go towards what we do, rather than where we meet. Our spiritual meat comes from doing life together in small groups during the week and by serving.

My sons know this and do you know what happened today? Justice, the one I only get two weekends a month, wanted to come.

Now I’m not going to try to read to much into it. He came, but sat in with the little kids. But he still came. It gave me hope.

You want to know what I was learning in the next room? That God is pretty big. That on the first day, he made the heavens….have you heard about the heavens? Yeah, it’s pretty big too. All the galaxies that are out there, the stars, their sizes, their sounds. Yeah, the make sounds too.

…and then he made the earth. And on that little earth, he made a little man. And that little man did a great job of screwing everything up, but instead of flicking him out of existence, he sent his son, who was beat, buried, and rose.

Three days after he laid in ground, God spoke, and from our shame, our guilt, our sin, his son rose up and said, trust in me and I will give you life.

This God is pretty big indeed. And if he could do this with his son, and that little man, I’m pretty sure he can take care of my son too.

I don’t need to be any of my sons’ Savior. They have one already. That is not a role I have to play anymore. I don’t have to be their Savior, or Healer in Justice’ case.

I don’t have to worry about his treatment or his moods, or his illnesses. I don’t have to be in control of his attitude, decisions or behaviors. I don’t have to be afraid.

So, what is my new role?

I get my son two weekends a month. My role is to stop being the person he’s running from and learn how to be the one he’s running to.

God didn’t do it by force. He made himself known and let us make a choice.

As someone who has learned to control things her whole life, this is pretty hard to let go of over night.

Maybe, just maybe I have been given four days a month to start practicing. Because it’s going to take time to change something I’ve been doing for a life time.

I can trust God. I’ve heard he’s pretty big.

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