The Pursuit

Do you know how much God loves us? It was not until I have lost my son, that I realize how much He pursues me. He wants me to love him back, not because He is so big, so powerful, because He gives me life or that He demands it. He wants me to freely choose to love Him back.

Love Him with no guilt. No threat. No persuasion, No manipulation.

Today was especially hard for me. I had my son, but even though we had a beautiful day yesterday, he couldn’t wait to go back home to his dad’s house, today. I became so bitter. So angry. So resentful. I wanted to guilt him. I wanted to cry and let him see how much he was hurting me. I wanted him to feel bad, as bad as I was feeling.

I know how I was reacting wasn’t Christ-like. But I have to believe what I was feeling, was. I am after all, made after Him.

He made us. He gave us life. He breathed into us. He walked in the garden with us. He gave us everything we would ever need. He found joy in us.

And then one day, we were gone.

How quickly we started to resent. How quickly we started to forget.

I know how devastating this had to have been on Him.

I lost my son.

One day, he was here. One day, I prayed with him every night. One day, I gave him everything he needed. One day, I laughed and cried with him. And then one day, he was gone.

Not because he was taken. Not because he was lost. No, because he chose to leave.

Oh how God’s heart must hurt when he sees His children not choosing to be with Him. Or those who chose to walk away and then return, as if nothing had happened. Or those who may believe there is a God, but they don’t need Him. And worse yet, those who never seek to be with Him.

There are a few places in the Bible I have seen where God grieves for his children. But mostly I see how He loves. So maybe that’s what I’m suppose to focus on with my son. Instead of grieving him, maybe I should be loving him.

But what does that look like? What does it look like, when he wants to go to his dad’s? What does it look like when he tells me how much he doesn’t want to be here with me, and then acts like nothing hurtful was said?

I feel he doesn’t want a relationship with me. So what does loving someone who doesn’t want to be loved look like?

Peter says, God is patiently waiting for us, because He wants everyone to repent and be saved (2 Peter 3:9). Maybe I should be patient.

And while we were still sinners, He sent His son to die for us (Romans 5:8). Maybe I should get over myself and continue to do what is best for him.

I believe God responds out of love, not out of hurt.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it. (Matthew 13:45-46)

Did you know we, His children, are the pearl? I had always believed that God was the pearl. It’s not true. “For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

I need to love my son. I need to love my son, even when he’s being unlovable.

I want my son. I want to pursue my son. Not with guilt. Not with threats. Not with persuasion. And certainly not with manipulation. That’s not choosing to love me.

I want to love as Christ loves. I want to pursue as God has. I want to believe, in the end, everything will be, as it should. Because I have faith that God is working in us both. And I believe if I continue to pursue he will come back just like I have returned to Him.

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