How many people died on the moon?
Nearly everyday of kindergarten and first grade, Justice would ask me this. I hated this question because the correct answer always upset him.
“No one died on the moon, Justice. ”
And the meltdown would begin.
Over time, I finally found the right answer. Right, not because it was correct, but because it’s what was RIGHT for Justice. It was what he needed to hear.
” Two, Justice. ”
” Who were they? ”
” Me and you. ”
I know. It makes no sense. I have no idea why he would accept this answer. I have no idea why he would ask me this every morning as we walked from the parking lot to his school. But it’s what he needed.
Justice’ dad and step-mom have only gone to one of Justice’doctor’s appointments. One time. And this one time, this one and only time, after 14 years of trying to help my son, the doctor thinks of a possible disorder for all of his meltdowns, Pyrrole Disorder, for the first time.
It affects the senses. His senses meaning, sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. Did you know his very first diagnosis was Sensory Regulatory Disorder. It sounds like a pretty amazing fit. It would explain a whole lot.
Do you know how incredibly unfair this will be to me if after years and years of learning to live with this, this is what he has and is treatable? DO YOU KNOW?
Why? Why this day? We’ve done test after test. Evaluations after evaluations. Doctor after doctor. And he has THIS? Possibly?
But I’ve had to do this all alone!
This whole time his illness was dismissed as bad parenting!
I want to be justified!
I want to be told I was right!
I want my son to see how I’ve fought for him!
I want to be right!
….but I really don’t want to be right. I really just want my son to be happy. I don’t want him to have to continue taking strong pysch meds with strong side effects. I want him to do well in school and enjoy life. I want him to be successful.
I want people to see what a joy he is to have around. I want people to see how funny he is. I want people to see how sweet he can be.
I want him to see how much talent he has. I want him to see how smart he is. I want him to see how incredibly important he is to me.
So even if on the first day, this day his dad and step-mom walk into his psych appointment, and a right diagnosis and treatment is made, and I am made to look like an idiot, and I look like I’ve been apart of the problem, and look like I should have turned him over to his dad years ago…
I still want him to be healthy. I still want him to be happy.
It was still me on that moon with you, Justice. It was me who was there when nothing made sense.
So if the test does come back positive, I will not be resentful. I will not let my feelings of feeling like a fool, get in the way of our joy.
I will be glad. I will rejoice. I will praise God.
Because it is RIGHT for Justice . It is what he needs to hear.