I mentioned earlier we had a fire this month. It was on a Saturday. My husband was working. My daughter and I had just left for the library and all the boys were doing whatever boys do, at home.
I received a call from my oldest son that our house was on fire but that everyone was out of the house and the fire department was on their way.
By the time I got home, everything was out and they were just working on getting the smoke out. WHEW!
Boy, I was grateful! We could have lost our kids. We could have lost our pets. We could have lost our house. But we didn’t. I was grateful!
Then I hear stories of how verbally abusive the boys were to their little brother. How they they beat him up, emotionally. How insensitive they were. I was disappointed.
Today our church loaded us up with food, for us to bring to the men who showed up that day and put our fire out. You know, as a thanksgiving. I was grateful!
However, when it was time this morning to deliver the food, half the kids were sleeping, and half were not, but only one was willing to be bothered to come and help thank the firefighters for saving our normal. It was 11:30am. I was disappointed.
I’ve also written earlier about the boys’ lack of compassion and not being able to find it within them to help make some plarn (plastic yarn) for sleeping mats for the homeless, even though it was an event I had organized. I was disappointed.
I find myself disappointed a lot. It’s heartbreaking. It’s discouraging. Oh my gosh, IT MAKES ME SO MAD!
But I love them. I love them with everything that is within me. I can’t imagine life without them. I don’t want a life without them.
I wonder, I just wonder if this is how God looks at me? I know I don’t do what I could or I should. I know if I just listened to him the first time it would bring him less heartache. I know I can be disappointing.
But I know he still loves me. I know he still delights in me. I know he still adores me.
Maybe what I do can be disappointing, but who I am, is not.
Whether I am driven by fear or love, he still looks at me the same. Whether I sit and do nothing, when he wants me to stand up and be heard, he just patiently waits. Whether I selfishly spend all his blessings instead of giving them all away, he still provides.
You see, love is a great big huge thing that I know nothing about. There is not much reason to love me. And yet he still does.
So when I look at my sons’ and I start to feel disappointed, I need to remind myself that I too, can tap into a much bigger power than what I have.
I can tap into the same love I have for those boys that Jesus has for me. I can forget about the disappointment, since He forgets His disappointment in me.
This is God’s grace. God’s, unmerited favor. Although, undeserving of love, He still loves. I want to be more like that. Regardless of how my boys act, I still want to show them my unmerited favor, my love. His grace.