Broken and Afraid

I don’t even know what just happened. I wasn’t expecting it. My first response was anger, then it was fear, then it was hurt.

My son convinced his psych doctor to reduced one of his meds. She told me privately that maybe this will encourage him to take his pills. If he does, then in three months, she will reduce it again.

He doesn’t always take them. We find them all over the house. I’m sitting here, looking at a pile of them right now.

It’s been a year since he’s been in the hospital. Ten months since his last meltdown. I don’t want to go back to living like that.

I won’t go back to that. I’ve already told him, he stops taking his pills and he starts in again with the violent behaviors, he’s not living here. He’ll have to go live with his dad.

I’m not going to let him traumatize the other kids anymore. I’m just not. I’m not going to let him do it to me either.

This is how I think people with a mental illness end up on the street. They stop taking their meds and start acting up regardless of how much their families plead with them.

Why can’t he see the difference of being on his meds and when he’s off?

I wish I knew what his meds did to him. What does it do to him that is so bad that he would risk having the monsters come back?

I used to get migraines and when I did, my doctor prescribed me a medication. Oh my gosh, I don’t know what was worse, having the migraine or suffering the side effects from the drug. They both were bad but I do remember recovering faster from the side effects of the medication than the migraine. So I took them.

So, I am here, once again, reacting in fear. Instead of growing in faith. I’m scared. I’m scared of losing my baby. I’m scared of losing my dream of him being “normal”.

I’ve fought so hard to get him here. What if it’s been just a dream? What if it was just a glimpse of something we’ll never truly have?

I know I’m not suppose to look at it this way. I know God is in control. I know I should have faith that he will be taken care of.

But this is how I feel. I just haven’t got this fear thing under control yet.

So tonight, I have nothing for you. Just a broken momma, on her knees, pleading…

Lord, you are my only hope. Men and medicine let us down, everyday. All I know, is you see us. You see my son and you see his future. My continued request, is please help me to accept what will be.

Everyday I need you to reveal to me what is right. Help me be strong. Help me be who he needs me to be.

I know you are working in me. I know you’ve equipped me to be his mother. Show me how I have been designed. Show me you, through me.

This is impossible without you. I do have faith in that, so I do have faith in you.

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.” – Mark 10:27

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